BLONDE LOGIC

I don't miss boats

 

One of the most terrifying things someone can say to me is “Hey didn’t you used to go out with…………?”   If I don’t recognize the name, for some reason I want to be able to claim dating rights. “Don Juan Castillo? Hmm I think I did. Is he very handsome and generous with his compliment? That Don Juan?”  The worst is when you didn’t go out with him, but he sounds pretty fascinating “Didn’t I meet you at Marco’s party? Last New Year’s Eve in the British Virgin Islands? He had rented that boat…”

If I was in the British Virgin Islands last New Year’s Eve, you wouldn’t have to give me memory prompts, ok? I’d remember.

Knowing that this Marco character had taken up with a girl who looked like me, well, it’s fun to hear about.

Then someone else pipes in “No that was Carla, she moved to Italy”

And boom my hopeful daydream is now a jealousy fueled quest to learn bad things about CARLA.       

“Wow, she moved to Italy? What’d she go on the lam or something?”

“I think she was doing a documentary or something”

“Good for her. I gotta go eat a pizza or something’

\

Where I come from a “good for her” is just another way of saying ‘I don’t know how to feel good about things that I am really jealous about so I’ll just say something trite and retreat to my inner world where  I can compare myself to strangers with the voice of a maniacal drill sergeant-bye! Retreating now.”

 

I recently ran into someone who really did know one of my exes.  She said “Oh you used to go out with *Arnie, you know he’s one of the top insurance salesman in the nation? You really missed the boat on that one.”  In a perfect world, I would have grabbed her by her Casual Corner blouse, and said something like “You don’t know shit about me and what boats I’ve missed, for all you know I may be juggling a fucking squadron of international flotillas, jumping from one deck to the next whenever I fucking feel like it. And you know something about ARNIE? He was the cheapest mother fucker I ever dated, so Arnie buying a boat, paying for fuel, inviting people to enjoy the material things in life he acquired? You don’t know Arnie. Arnie once made me get up from a Thai restaurant because we had missed the lunch time specials by 5 minutes. I got up from my seat and left a restaurant so ARNIE could save two dollars on my chicken pad Thai order. So I’m pretty sure getting a ride on Arnie’s “boat” wouldn’t be the boat ride I want. I don’t want to have to paddle, or bring provisions, or listen to a man that cries and whines and gets involved with women so he can feel loved, not because he wants to love. So don’t talk to me about what boats  I’ve missed, Miss I’ve- spent -my –whole- entire- life -in -corporate -America -so -I -don’t –grasp- the - personal -value –system-concept. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't miss a boat but I did dodge a bullet. Capisce?”

But you can't get away with that and keep your bartending job at the same time, so I just said 

"oh yeah? Good for him”

 

All names have been changed to make the story funny.

 At least that was the intention.

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

relationship roadtrip: riding shotgun

 

More and more lately I’ve served couples where the girl seems to wear the pants, ordering for both of them, consistently being the couple spokesperson during their stay and ultimately,  paying the check. I brought this up to a guy friend who immediately went into a tirade about how unfair it is that the man is expected to pay for the woman on a date. I think the person who extends the invitation should be the one to pay. Sadly, our culture is still in the mindset in which the man is expected to ask the woman out. I wish it was different I really do. If woman were allowed to ask men out, you know how many more dates would be taking place? Are you shitting me? Everyday girls would be talking to their friends like “Amanda, you see the new guy? He laughed at something I said. I’m asking him out”

“sorry girl, I already did”

Girls want to be with guys. They would ask more people out, more often because they want it more. Not only that, if they get rejected, they have the option to cry. I’m a firm believer in role reversal, my only problem with it is it gives men more opportunity to just go along for the relationship ride. In most relationships that I am privy to inside information, the woman is always working on making the man better. In most instances.The guy is riding shotgun on the relationship roadtrip. It’s usually the man who is resistant to change and relationship participation so if the only thing they really have to do is make the first move, let ‘em have it. And let them pay!

Of course my guy friend came up a gazillion scenarios where he shouldn’t have to pay.  Unless the girl is a riproaring bitch or a Jersey Shore Booze Bag, you should be a gentlemen and pay for the date that YOU invited her on.  Now if it ends up she makes out with someone else during your date or calls you swear names or purposely orders high ticket items to inflate the bill, you might have a case on your hands. But even in those situations, its fight or flight. Do you want to fight with this nut over the bill or do you want to flee the scene and walk it off?   Maybe you’re a cheap self righteous bastard and duking it out is worth it to you, maybe she likes that and fighting over 100 bucks brings out the Jenna Jameson in her. Who knows.

If paying for the date is a concern, mention going Dutch when you pose the invitation. Then you are both clear about splitting the bill before you even get there. Personally when someone asks me to go Dutch I pretend I never heard the expression before “ Go Dutch? Whatta ya mean?”  That way the lonely miser  is forced to explain “ Well, um, I want to go to dinner with you but I don’t want to pay for you. I want you to pay for you and me to pay for me.”  After hearing a man say something like that, is there really any chance of a hot steamy romance to follow?  The words go Dutch  do not appear in Kendra Cunningham’s Book of Seduction.  “ Oh you want me to pay for me and you to pay for you? Ok. Let’s do that. I’m going to Il Buco on Bond Street at 9 - I dare you to sit at my table”.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

Unexpected Superlatives

I’ve been doing a lot of work on goal setting and expectations. I’ve come to realize my expectations from men are far from reality based. For one thing, I still operate under the belief system that at some point, dudes stop acting like dudes and start communicating with me like my female friends. To some asinine degree, I subconsciously think guys ACT like guys until they  trust and love you, then they become easy going, understandable, fun loving people, just like my best gal pals.

The truth is, we’re always gonna be different. To make matters more complicated, within our respective genders, there are all different degrees of feminine and masculine behavior. My last boyfriend liked to talk about his emotional issues, repetitively. Not only was it exhausting, it was worrisome. Then I’m tiptoeing around his emotional shit and guess what?  My baggage got ignored and stagnant. I’ve also been involved with emotional imbeciles who literally have no emotional intelligence.

Me: ‘I like you and I like spending time with you but I don’t really know what’s going on with us?’

Neanderthal: “Whattaya mean?’

This is where I think I’m getting fucked with and lose my shit.

Sometimes it takes an idiot to send you into an anger fueled tail spin.

 

All I really want is someone to communicate these things

“I think you’re prettier than anyone I know”

‘I like spending time with you more than anyone I know’

‘I want you to feel like I like you more than anyone I know, how can I do that?”

 Superlatives and interest in behavior modification.

That’s really it.

I don’t think that’s asking too much.

Oh and the granddaddy of all superlatives, the unexpected superlative! One you never even HEARD before. Shit, I’ll forget all about the fact you didn’t answer my texts for 2 days.  I mean holding a grudge will only detract from the fact that I “look like a modern day Bridget Bardot ”

I’m no fool.

Preferably the male saying these things is 6 foot something, 50 to 60 pounds heavier than me, easy on the eyes, and highly interested in my sexual satisfaction.

Just another set of reality based expectations

I’m fucked

Figuratively

 

 

Thanks for listening.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

 

 

 

 

Tuxedo shirts and tulips

Tuxedo shirts and tulips

 

It takes so long to get to know people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at 8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!”

 I try to have a few I can communicate with patience and curiosity. Ends up I have a lot of them but here are three that came up recently.

 

Do you ask questions during sex?

 

I don’t like that. Don’t ask me questions during sex. Odds are you’re not so inquisitive fully clothed, don’t get curious now. I don’t even want to hear a “does that feel good?”

If you are unsure if I’m having a good time, I’m not. I like to think my sexual behavior speaks for itself.

If you want to make a rhetorical statement – have at it but be careful, a “you’re so sexy” might result in ME asking questions. “What do you think is sexy about me?” and we both know you won’t have a quick answer for that. Most guys get stumped if you question their compliment, which infuriates me. Don’t be throwing have assed compliments around.

The thing is, being a stellar communicator, if you ask a question

I’ll assume you want an answer. Then I have to think. You don’t want me to think during sex believe me. Thinking might lead to the realization that I’m too tired for all this.

Plus I can’t hear the music if you’re gabbing away.

Victim of Love trumps sex talk everytime.

 

Do you like to talk about all the women you are attracted to?

 

I love this question. You know why I ask it? Because there are guys out there that truly believe they should be able to treat a woman like a man. Like a buddy. A drinking buddy usually. And when a woman responds to their barbaric behavior by acting like a woman, the guy throws out a “You’re being insecure” There is nothing worse than listening to a guy you are interested in talk about other women he finds attractive. It is moronic, insensitive, and totally fucking annoying.

I’ve gotten into wicked fights over this one. These types of guys will then say “you’re being insecure” which I have found really means “you’re being girly” or “you’re acting vulnerable” I guess my question should really be “do you have any degree of sensitivity for other people’s feelings?”

 

 

Do you turn tip money into origami?

I have been out on a lot of bad dates but I have yet to go out with an origami guy. As a bartender I see it. I see a couple laughing and talking and sometimes even making out while the guy sits there and makes one dollar bills into tulips or tuxedo shirts and then offers them to me as a tip. My payment. A satirized payment I might add. What am I supposed to do with these little prison yard arts and crafts numbers? Use them at Dunkin Donuts?

“That’ll be three dollars, please”

“Here’s two tuxedo shirts and a tulip. This is the currency I get paid in. Do you accept it here?”

The worst part is these guys are getting laid!

Making balloon giraffes out of condoms, I’m sure.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

[email protected]

Twitter @kendracomedy

pictures from the dating world

I have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure cooker of one on one socializing.

 

Online dating sites should come with testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys. These guys will not be relationship material today or any day in the future nor have they maintained any sort of personal relationship for more than 6 months but they WILL email you. They may or may not send you pictures of them in their underwear, some like to try their hand at poetry, others will simply try to woo the pants off you with statements like “Where you at?”  So no, this site won’t make finding that special someone easier but it will make it easier for the mean, median and mode of all averages to find you”

 

I don’t know about you but my self esteem is fragile when it comes to the opposite sex. Three emails from ugly, unfunny guys and I am back to eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner in my 7 year old grease stained sweats wondering if Benicio del Toro is funny.

 

Anyway, this friend is going out on dates 3 to 5 times a week. Are you kidding me? That’s a bartending job.  She claims it’s easy because you end up talking about the same things over and over again. The scenario just got worse. She said “what would you talk about on dates?” which stumped me. I guess I would probably talk about what time he had to get home and if he hates dating as much as me and does he like my new jeans. Those types of things. I really don’t even want to think about it. I used to be good at qualifying questions “how long is your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I’m down to “do you snore?” “do you need a mechanical device on your face to sleep at night?” “are you ok with being kept arms length away emotionally for 6 months to two years?”

 

So I don’t know exactly what I would talk about on dates but I do know what I wouldn’t say.

 

 

Top ten things Kendra won’t say on a date

 

1        It was really nice meeting your girlfriend the other night.

2        See that guy in the green shirt, I used to fool around with him.  Or was it his brother?

3        I’m so excited, I got here an hour early

4        Crap! I got mac and cheese on my leather halter top.

5        No dessert, thanks. I’m full.

6        Next time we come here, I’m getting a salad

7        Let me get the check.

8        You want a bite of this?

9        Stop pawing at me!

10     Let’s wait until we get home to do it!

 

 

Send me pictures from the dating world!

I haven’t been in a while.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super

comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her

sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

@kendracomedy

 

 

Catatonic Coping

My sister got the seven year itch, from me. We have been roommates for seven years and she’s packing up her things and taking the show on the road. Moving to Portland Maine. Someplace unaccessable by subway.

It’s like a break up. I’m kinda hoping I respond by hooking up with a bunch of guys.

My coping mechanisms have never included extreme promiscuity which is unfortunate for me and the men in my immediate line of vision.

The thing is, I cope with change like a wild animal who spots its predator.

I freeze. I remain still and stoic. The weird, nonreactive behavior is noticeable. People are like “are you Ok?”  I stand like a  physically catatonic stress victim “I’m fine” I respond.

“You don’t seem like you”

I move my eyes so they know I am alive.

 

I’ve never been much of a crier. Ever. Even as a kid I never thought to cry about things

I feel like I was always one to strategize.

Like “oh I can’t have cake now well how about I act slighty annoyed at that information but just wait til you try to sleep through the night you stingy cake controlling parent you”

 

Sometimes my reaction is delayed, for years.

“Kendra, why are you crying?”

“I can’t believe Boris broke up with me”

“That was 5 years ago”

“Was it?”

 

I know this is going to be one of those situations.

“Kendra, whats this box of stuff in the middle of the living room?”

“Oh, that’s from my sister’s move”

“That move was like three years ago?”

“Was it?’

I’m the Leslie Nielson of personal problems.

 

I have been feeling very Naked Gunnish lately. Somebody asked me to recommend a good date spot recently. The place I suggested had been closed for two years. I’m not much for dating but I will point out what is wrong with everybody else’s relationships. No problem.

I’m a ruthless relationship critic.

Is there any money in that?

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

 

 

 

 

$28 Worth of Hope

I performed recently at the Comedy Vault (www.dickdoherty.com) in Boston and I stayed with my mother in Quincy, MA. I grew up in Milton one town over so it was pretty much like going home. Milton is a small, dry town so as teenagers, my friends and I would have to go to Quincy or Dorchester to do anything out of the ordinary. Quincy happens to be the home of Regina Russel’s Tea Room. http://www.rrtearoom.com/ .  Their website reads “in the psychic reading business since 1973” and they have the furniture to prove it!  I can’t tell you how many Saturday afternoons I spent at Regina Russel’s, trying to find out if the hottie I met at the under 21 club the night before was going to come to my friend’s house party. Most of my visits to Regina Russel’s were prompted by men. This time I was there simply to have a stranger spin a tale of hope and inspiration about my future. Fuck, for $28 bucks Helen looked me in the eye and talked up the next two years of my life for 15 minutes, I would have paid $50.

“In only a few months you will have major career changes” Helen said.

“Sooooo, September?’ I said giddy with anticipation.

“More like October, November”

I nodded my head as if to say “I can work with that. I will not argue with fate”

“There is an enthusiastic younger man who loves you and WANTS to be in a relationship with you, do you know who this is?”

“NO! Who? No, don’t tell me! I want to be surprised”

I was hanging on Helen’s every word like Kathy Bates in Misery. Helen looked like she had special powers.  I would wager she was well known for performing exorcisms, she had a few stories from Laconia, and was troubled with internal dialogue. I knew I liked her right away. She gave me a once over. I appreciate a good once over, I do.  To me it says “Get a load of this one”. I was wearing a black sundress that cost me, at most, twenty bucks but it seemed to be getting me a lot of attention in Quincy. I’m not complaining.

I jumped into the car feeling energized with anticipation about the next year of my life. My mother on the other hand was moderately satisfied with her experience. “Which lady did you get?” I asked. “Oh I don’t know. I was more entertaining than she was for Christ’s sake. I gotta go to Walmart.” Then she backed out of her spot at 20 miles an hour.

Driving with my mother is like watching a one woman show on four wheels (sometimes two). She tells stories, imitates people, and makes you question if she has any experience at this at all. There is a lot of improvisation in her driving. Loads of last minute decision making, routes are continuously changed, and other drivers are left for dead, if they’re lucky. We pulled up to a red light in a four lane intersection. We were in the third lane behind 3 cars, the fourth lane veered to the right and they had a green light so when a car in the fourth lane sidled up beside us and came to a stop my mother was instantly disgruntled.

“What the hell is this guy doing? You have a red light! What?  You want in my lane? Jesus Christ this guys rolling down his window. Kendra, you see this guy?”

I roll down my window.

The guy looks foreign and confused. He asks with an accent “Is this the right way to BJ’s?” I stifled a chuckle.

My mother responded immediately and loudly “Oh you gotta go, well it’s tough to explain. It’s over there. Take a right here, make a u-ey, take another right….”

The guy interrupted “So take a right here?”

Feeling as if he hadn’t been a good listener, coupled by the fact the light is about to change and she can actually give him the information he is looking for if he’d only stop acting foreign,  my mother stops being patient and starts talking fast, adding finger pointing to her instructions.

“Take a right (finger jab at air) then turn around and take another right (the other finger jabs) then bear to the right on the ramp (both hands move through the air on an incline)”

The light changes while he repeats “So take a right here?”

My mother shakes her hands around, grabs the wheel, sneers “Good Luck” and peels off.

Carol Cunningham, just another impatient American deserting a foreigner in a time of need.

In all fairness, hours later, my mother turned to me and said ‘You think that sad sack ever made it to BJ’s?”

See? She cares.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

Relationship Drop

 

Like any upstanding member of the female gender, I can be hypersensitive at times. Sometimes these ‘times” have a continuous and indefinite duration. Lately I’ve been persistently susceptible to overanalyzing and acutely responsive to external stimuli, yes, I’ve been a little crazy. I’ve been enjoying it.

I may be the only one.

This past Saturday I was out with my sister Kristen, for a ‘snack’ when we got to chatting with the bartender. A MALE bartender. Fun chatter. Some of it may have been interpreted as flirtatious or suggestive. My sister was drinking Dickel. I mean, how can you not say something suggestive about that?

How do you like that Dickel?

There’s more Dickel where that came from.

You know once you have a little Dickel well, you wish you had a lot of Dickel (hand on hip, sucking back chewing tobacco juices)

I like to think it’s highbrow Beavis and Butthead material.

About 20 to 30 minutes in, he says ‘ blah blah blah this thing I’m doing for my girlfriend blah blah blah’

Now I don’t know if it’s a single thing but as a single person, when a new social contact does the ‘I’m in a relationship reveal” I get a couple of things from that.

1.Braggart

                'I’m in a relationship while you guys are trolling bars pretending to be hungry so you don’t look like you’re a couple of booze bags.     '

2. Disinterest

"While all this banter is making my work sentence go quickly, I am in no way, shape, or form interested in either one of you like THAT"

3.Condescending

"Let me tell you what happens in the world of people in relationships, you single people you. So you can see how our situation in life is better, right?"

Now I’m sure he didn’t mean any of those things, but all of those things popped into my mind to some degree which directly effected the amount of fun I was having.

When he walked away, Kristen and I were both enjoying the 3 appetizers we had ordered and I said ‘I always think it’s weird when someone throws that out there”. My sister agreed while picking at the last bits of the house smoked thick cut bacon but we didn’t talk about it at length. I think we both realized we were coming to the end of our appetizers and if we wanted our fair share we better focus before the other one quietly scarfs it down.

I’m trying not to read so much into things.

I had a friend call me recently and leave me a voicemail ‘We had a girl. The delivery was easy. Call me. I want to see what’s going on with you’

First of all, I didn’t know she was preggers. So that’s how long it’s been since we chatted. Enough time for her to make a human. So, I’m gonna call and say..what?

‘So great to hear your growing and developing like a traditional citizen of the United States of America. Me? Well in the past 10 months IIIII.. what have I done? I got a 42 inch flat screen, oh and a dog, what else hmm Jesus I can’t think. Oh yeah, I might go to Eastern Europe, probably not, but I’ve been talking about thatttttttttttttttt. Gosh, oh I got a bunch of new jokes. I think you’d like them, huh? Oh you gotta go? Your spawn needs to know you love them? That makes sense. Ok, well make sure to leave me a message when you get a summer home ok?  Cuz I wanna know when great things happen to you! Hello? Hello?”

I sound acerbic, I know.

I kinda like it.

Relentless biting saracasm.

It’s Irish gangster.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

HAPPY NEW TEARS

I wanted to start the New Year off with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation. I really did but you can’t force that type of stuff. As I was sending out my Happy New Years texts, my phone autocorrected me on numerous occasions, sending out the ominous greeting “Happy New Tears” to friends and family.

 

Like a lot of families, my family is not good with open, frank conversations about emotions. I can’t even name my feelings most of the time. My emotional vocabulary consists of –Good, Tired, and Bloated. Bloated usually means other things like cranky, lazy, uncomfortable in my own skin.

That sentence was erroneously written ending with “uncomfortable in my own sin”.

 

I’ve been “bloated” for about three months now. My mother can sense I’m in a funk three days in. I’m not even aware I’m experiencing anything yet. I’m convinced I’m simply bound up.

Mum: Are you ok? You don’t sound good.

Me: Yeah I’m fine. My stomach is lethargic.

Mum:  You sound depressed.

There’s nothing like you’re mother telling you “you sound depressed” to under mind your happiness.

Once she gets it in her mind there’s something wrong, you’re doomed. The line of questioning gets more telling and painful.

Mum: Well, I mean, if you feel like you’re not where you should be in life at this age, I can understand that.

Me: No I’m fine.

Mum: I’m sure you want to find someone, I’m not talking marriage but …. It’d just be nice to have someone.

Me: Ok, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

Mum: Ok, well if you need me to give you money let me know.

Me: Mum I’m fine.

Mum: You don’t sound fine.

Me: Can we don’t talk about my emotional state for two consecutive days in a row.

Mum: Awareness is the first step.

 

You see what I’m saying.

Houdini couldn’t get out of this conversation loop.

 

 

This will go on for weeks. It’s a verbal form of Chinese Water Torture. She always wins. Whether  she prompts my self awareness or simply convinces me that I am in fact, in the dumps, I finally admit it.

Me: Yeah I think I am a little depressed.

Mum: Oh, you’ll be fine, honey.  Did you ever get that Ralph Lauren sweater at Marshalls? If not I’ll send it to you. It’s a great color for you.

 

Like any good Cunningham once you’ve acquiesced and she has that “Seeeee, I was RIGHT!” moment, she’s more than happy to douse you with compliments.

And clothes.

“I like your new sweater, Kendra”

“Thanks I got it for agreeing with my mother. It’s a wardrobe reminder that she was right”

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Mile Radius

 

 

My mother, my sister and I spent the day after Thanksgiving in the Prospect Park Zoo. We went vintage shopping then we went to the zoo. That was our itinerary. Most girls go shopping and then go for a  drink or get a bite to eat, we hit the closest city zoo.

 

I had never been to the Zoo in Prospect Park and I will admit, I kinda poo poo’d the idea. I was picturing mangy old animals that weren’t all that interesting throwing McDonalds cups and other litterbug trash at each other while clinically depressed zoo keepers sat around staring at brochures of better zoos, dreaming their lives away. Much to my surprise, the Prospect Park Zoo has over 400 animals of 80 different species. It’s a fucking ZOO. There is a Zoo one mile from my home where I have lived for over 5 years. For five years I have lived less than a mile away from hundreds of wild animals in captivity and never heard a peep. Not one noise to make me think “What the hell? Was that a wild animal?” Nothing. That scares the shit out of me.

 

We took pictures. We fed farm animals. We saw red Koala Bears, Baboons, Lamas, Porcupines, Bats, Seals and Golden Tamarins. And lots of small humans. Parents had strange reactions when we, three adults with no toddlers in tow,  approached their children to ooo and ahh over them. I could see their baby snatcher profiling minds at work. I was tempted to start saying things like “Oh she looks just like the one from the Zoo in Little Rock, remember her Mom? The one with the soft skin and silky hair”  or even better “ Your husband told me you couldn’t have kids. Where is he? That lying sack of shit. Get your fuckin kid out of my way or BigDick Junior will be taking his first swim in the shark tank. Move it fatty”   

 

We didn’t make any friends at the Zoo but we did learn that Porcupines spend most of their time in trees, staying out of the way of predators. We also learned very few animals will attack a Porcupine. So Porcupines spend most of their time hiding in trees to avoid their VERY few attackers?  Paranoid life avoiders.  

 I think I’m gonna start using that line when my mother calls

“ Soooooooooooo what are you up to  today?”

“Staying out of the way of predators, Mom”

“That’s good, honey, did you eat? ”

 

We also learned when a female Baboon has a red swollen rump, she is ready to mate.

It looked like all the females had red swollen rumps. My kinda girls.

Male baboons often groom females before mating with them. It must suck to be so horny that a whole body part becomes inflamed, then your knight in shining armor arrives and he’s like

“Before we get started, how about a makeover? Mani/pedi, a blow out …..”

 

“Did you see my ASS?  It’s SWOLLEN? Can we go to the salon AFTER?”

 

She offers him her big red ass and he thinks he can do better.

Applicable for any species.

 

 

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com