BLONDE LOGIC

relationship roadtrip: riding shotgun

 

More and more lately I’ve served couples where the girl seems to wear the pants, ordering for both of them, consistently being the couple spokesperson during their stay and ultimately,  paying the check. I brought this up to a guy friend who immediately went into a tirade about how unfair it is that the man is expected to pay for the woman on a date. I think the person who extends the invitation should be the one to pay. Sadly, our culture is still in the mindset in which the man is expected to ask the woman out. I wish it was different I really do. If woman were allowed to ask men out, you know how many more dates would be taking place? Are you shitting me? Everyday girls would be talking to their friends like “Amanda, you see the new guy? He laughed at something I said. I’m asking him out”

“sorry girl, I already did”

Girls want to be with guys. They would ask more people out, more often because they want it more. Not only that, if they get rejected, they have the option to cry. I’m a firm believer in role reversal, my only problem with it is it gives men more opportunity to just go along for the relationship ride. In most relationships that I am privy to inside information, the woman is always working on making the man better. In most instances.The guy is riding shotgun on the relationship roadtrip. It’s usually the man who is resistant to change and relationship participation so if the only thing they really have to do is make the first move, let ‘em have it. And let them pay!

Of course my guy friend came up a gazillion scenarios where he shouldn’t have to pay.  Unless the girl is a riproaring bitch or a Jersey Shore Booze Bag, you should be a gentlemen and pay for the date that YOU invited her on.  Now if it ends up she makes out with someone else during your date or calls you swear names or purposely orders high ticket items to inflate the bill, you might have a case on your hands. But even in those situations, its fight or flight. Do you want to fight with this nut over the bill or do you want to flee the scene and walk it off?   Maybe you’re a cheap self righteous bastard and duking it out is worth it to you, maybe she likes that and fighting over 100 bucks brings out the Jenna Jameson in her. Who knows.

If paying for the date is a concern, mention going Dutch when you pose the invitation. Then you are both clear about splitting the bill before you even get there. Personally when someone asks me to go Dutch I pretend I never heard the expression before “ Go Dutch? Whatta ya mean?”  That way the lonely miser  is forced to explain “ Well, um, I want to go to dinner with you but I don’t want to pay for you. I want you to pay for you and me to pay for me.”  After hearing a man say something like that, is there really any chance of a hot steamy romance to follow?  The words go Dutch  do not appear in Kendra Cunningham’s Book of Seduction.  “ Oh you want me to pay for me and you to pay for you? Ok. Let’s do that. I’m going to Il Buco on Bond Street at 9 - I dare you to sit at my table”.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

Criminal shit

I can’t get into bird chirping. I know people who are like “It was so nice. I woke up to birds chirping” First of all, there is nothing nice about waking up. You know why? Waking up puts you that much closer to getting out of bed. If somebody was to write a How to Get Out of Bed handbook, waking up would be Step One. Second of all, when I wake up to birds chirping I think “Great, even the birds are enjoying life more than me” then I get up and shut the window.

 

It seems like it’s always one bird chirping to another bird two trees away. Hey hey hey, you can fly! It’ll take two wing flaps for you to go sit next to her and chirp at a conversational level. You’re being loud AND lazy.

 

There is no other animal that can get away with that. You never hear people saying

“Good morning honey, do you hear those dogs barking? It’s gonna be a greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat day”

 

“Babe, wake up! Listen to the snakes hissing, it almost sounds like they’re in our room. Make love to me”

 

“Sweetheart, are you listening to those humans screaming? That’s what life is about. Let’s just call in sick and enjoy the day together”

 

I googled “why do birds chirp?” turns out the New York Times had a blurb about it in 1993. Yes, even people who read the Times are wondering why. Chirping is used for mating and protecting territory.

 

So I get the whole mating thing. If all I had to do was chirp to symbolize I’m ready for mating I’d be the most annoying chirper around. Who knows, I might even rent a Big Bird costume and give this whole I chirp, We mate theory a try. It’s the predawn part I have the biggest problem with. I’m sure there are birds that get annoyed with the whole thing too, lonely birds who hate getting up at the crack of dawn. These guys are just hoping for a broken wing accident so they can get some pity mating.

But protecting territory through chirping?  Chirping is not intimidating. In fact it’s somewhat of an audio taunt. I don’t yell out my window “Hellloooooooo this is where I keep my stuff, therefore this is my territory. If you think it’s your territory we will have to have a physical altercation about it. Helllllllllllllllllllooooo. I said …this is where I keep my stuff, therefore this is my territory………………..”

 

On a final note, and maybe this should have been the only note, how can anyone relish in the voice of a beast who has the power to shit on us from a distance?  I know, it doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s not easily forgotton. I got shit on 3 or 4 years ago eating steamers at a dockside restaurant in Montauk, sitting across from a manboy I had coerced into coming on a two day gig with me. There I was reaching for my vodka soda, hold the soda, and splat. A bird shit on me. Now I have no reason to believe the bird aimed for me. I don’t. I have no reason to believe that. But I believe it anyway.

The guy I was with was a detective so I immediately put him on the case. I wanted to press charges. This was criminal shit.  I tried to give a description. I asked if he could be an eyewitness or would it be a conflict of interest. My manboy found none of it funny. Except the part where he got to see me get shit on. He really liked that.  

 

Anyway, I never saw that bird again but I still have the feces sample in the event he strikes again.

A repeat offender.

Shit and run.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

 

 

Q&A

By C. CLAIBORNE RAY
Published: October 26, 1993 Q&A

By C. CLAIBORNE RAY
Published: October 26, 1993

New York Times

Predawn Chirping

Q. Why do birds chirp before dawn?

A. Birds sing or chirp in the growing predawn light for the same complicated reasons that they do at other times of day, said Martha Fischer, an education assistant at the Cornell Laboratory of Ornithology in Ithaca, N.Y. Singing in springtime by the male serves purposes like signifying the nesting territory and attracting females for mating. At other times, chirping can keep the flock together or be a warning signal.

"Some birds will continue all day," Ms. Fischer said. "They just start at dawn." She said her guess was that birds burst into song around dawn "after some down time, so they are thoroughly rested, to start anew re-establishing their territory," in effect saying, "I'm still here."

 

Unexpected Superlatives

I’ve been doing a lot of work on goal setting and expectations. I’ve come to realize my expectations from men are far from reality based. For one thing, I still operate under the belief system that at some point, dudes stop acting like dudes and start communicating with me like my female friends. To some asinine degree, I subconsciously think guys ACT like guys until they  trust and love you, then they become easy going, understandable, fun loving people, just like my best gal pals.

The truth is, we’re always gonna be different. To make matters more complicated, within our respective genders, there are all different degrees of feminine and masculine behavior. My last boyfriend liked to talk about his emotional issues, repetitively. Not only was it exhausting, it was worrisome. Then I’m tiptoeing around his emotional shit and guess what?  My baggage got ignored and stagnant. I’ve also been involved with emotional imbeciles who literally have no emotional intelligence.

Me: ‘I like you and I like spending time with you but I don’t really know what’s going on with us?’

Neanderthal: “Whattaya mean?’

This is where I think I’m getting fucked with and lose my shit.

Sometimes it takes an idiot to send you into an anger fueled tail spin.

 

All I really want is someone to communicate these things

“I think you’re prettier than anyone I know”

‘I like spending time with you more than anyone I know’

‘I want you to feel like I like you more than anyone I know, how can I do that?”

 Superlatives and interest in behavior modification.

That’s really it.

I don’t think that’s asking too much.

Oh and the granddaddy of all superlatives, the unexpected superlative! One you never even HEARD before. Shit, I’ll forget all about the fact you didn’t answer my texts for 2 days.  I mean holding a grudge will only detract from the fact that I “look like a modern day Bridget Bardot ”

I’m no fool.

Preferably the male saying these things is 6 foot something, 50 to 60 pounds heavier than me, easy on the eyes, and highly interested in my sexual satisfaction.

Just another set of reality based expectations

I’m fucked

Figuratively

 

 

Thanks for listening.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy