BLONDE LOGIC

Tuxedo shirts and tulips

Tuxedo shirts and tulips

 

It takes so long to get to know people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at 8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!”

 I try to have a few I can communicate with patience and curiosity. Ends up I have a lot of them but here are three that came up recently.

 

Do you ask questions during sex?

 

I don’t like that. Don’t ask me questions during sex. Odds are you’re not so inquisitive fully clothed, don’t get curious now. I don’t even want to hear a “does that feel good?”

If you are unsure if I’m having a good time, I’m not. I like to think my sexual behavior speaks for itself.

If you want to make a rhetorical statement – have at it but be careful, a “you’re so sexy” might result in ME asking questions. “What do you think is sexy about me?” and we both know you won’t have a quick answer for that. Most guys get stumped if you question their compliment, which infuriates me. Don’t be throwing have assed compliments around.

The thing is, being a stellar communicator, if you ask a question

I’ll assume you want an answer. Then I have to think. You don’t want me to think during sex believe me. Thinking might lead to the realization that I’m too tired for all this.

Plus I can’t hear the music if you’re gabbing away.

Victim of Love trumps sex talk everytime.

 

Do you like to talk about all the women you are attracted to?

 

I love this question. You know why I ask it? Because there are guys out there that truly believe they should be able to treat a woman like a man. Like a buddy. A drinking buddy usually. And when a woman responds to their barbaric behavior by acting like a woman, the guy throws out a “You’re being insecure” There is nothing worse than listening to a guy you are interested in talk about other women he finds attractive. It is moronic, insensitive, and totally fucking annoying.

I’ve gotten into wicked fights over this one. These types of guys will then say “you’re being insecure” which I have found really means “you’re being girly” or “you’re acting vulnerable” I guess my question should really be “do you have any degree of sensitivity for other people’s feelings?”

 

 

Do you turn tip money into origami?

I have been out on a lot of bad dates but I have yet to go out with an origami guy. As a bartender I see it. I see a couple laughing and talking and sometimes even making out while the guy sits there and makes one dollar bills into tulips or tuxedo shirts and then offers them to me as a tip. My payment. A satirized payment I might add. What am I supposed to do with these little prison yard arts and crafts numbers? Use them at Dunkin Donuts?

“That’ll be three dollars, please”

“Here’s two tuxedo shirts and a tulip. This is the currency I get paid in. Do you accept it here?”

The worst part is these guys are getting laid!

Making balloon giraffes out of condoms, I’m sure.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

[email protected]

Twitter @kendracomedy

pictures from the dating world

I have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure cooker of one on one socializing.

 

Online dating sites should come with testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys. These guys will not be relationship material today or any day in the future nor have they maintained any sort of personal relationship for more than 6 months but they WILL email you. They may or may not send you pictures of them in their underwear, some like to try their hand at poetry, others will simply try to woo the pants off you with statements like “Where you at?”  So no, this site won’t make finding that special someone easier but it will make it easier for the mean, median and mode of all averages to find you”

 

I don’t know about you but my self esteem is fragile when it comes to the opposite sex. Three emails from ugly, unfunny guys and I am back to eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner in my 7 year old grease stained sweats wondering if Benicio del Toro is funny.

 

Anyway, this friend is going out on dates 3 to 5 times a week. Are you kidding me? That’s a bartending job.  She claims it’s easy because you end up talking about the same things over and over again. The scenario just got worse. She said “what would you talk about on dates?” which stumped me. I guess I would probably talk about what time he had to get home and if he hates dating as much as me and does he like my new jeans. Those types of things. I really don’t even want to think about it. I used to be good at qualifying questions “how long is your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I’m down to “do you snore?” “do you need a mechanical device on your face to sleep at night?” “are you ok with being kept arms length away emotionally for 6 months to two years?”

 

So I don’t know exactly what I would talk about on dates but I do know what I wouldn’t say.

 

 

Top ten things Kendra won’t say on a date

 

1        It was really nice meeting your girlfriend the other night.

2        See that guy in the green shirt, I used to fool around with him.  Or was it his brother?

3        I’m so excited, I got here an hour early

4        Crap! I got mac and cheese on my leather halter top.

5        No dessert, thanks. I’m full.

6        Next time we come here, I’m getting a salad

7        Let me get the check.

8        You want a bite of this?

9        Stop pawing at me!

10     Let’s wait until we get home to do it!

 

 

Send me pictures from the dating world!

I haven’t been in a while.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super

comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her

sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

@kendracomedy

 

 

Weepy Werewolf

 

I’m not much of a crier. People learn that about me over time and think I’m tough. Or less feminine. Or heartless. The point is there are a lot of labels put on girls who don’t cry much, labels which would make a girl who cries, cry. It’s not that I don’t have depth, I do. I just have a high tolerance for emotional pain. Physical pain? Forget it. I’ve been known to display low level histrionics over a stubbed toe.

That shit hurts.

 

I think I learned not to cry from the way others reacted to my displays of sadness As a kid, I saw other girls cry and people would try to comfort them by saying ‘don’t cry” and hugging them. Other girls crying evoked empathy, sympathy, and understanding. Not me. I cry and people went into shock and disbelief. Not because they didn’t think I was capable but because I look like I’m morphing into the Werewolf of London. My face gets barbarically distorted and turns a deep purple/red. I tend to bare my teeth.  It scares people.  I am also terrified, adding to the whole “what the FUCK is going on with Kendra? Is she crying because she’s sad or because her “when I cry I turn into a feral wolverine” secret has been exposed?” scenario. When I cry in front of someone I show them my arms to assure them I’m not suddenly growing animal hair. Mostly I do it to assure myself. I’m just not the type of girl who enjoys a good cry. Crying scares the shit out of me and everybody around me. I’ve had boyfriends who would be like “oh you’re crying? I’m sorry but I can’t watch this and have a sexual relationship with you in the future sooooo sounds like a perfect time for me to start that running regime I’ve talked about for 3 years. See ya when the facial swelling subsides”

 

After moving my sister to Maine, I cried in the airport in Portland. I tried to hide my hideousness with a baseball cap but that didn’t dull the audio of my whimpering. One lady offered me a tissue I took two. She wanted to talk about someone else who had cried at the airport but when she took a really good look at me she stopped midsentence, covered her jugular, and waved a cross in my face

 

Still crying I went into Burger King and gasped out my order

“Large root beer please”

“Sometimes all you need is a sugary soda to make you feel better “

He walked away, forcing me to put my payment on the counter. Later I thought he may have done that deliberately so as to keep his distance.  Smart. Keep the wild beast arm’s length away.  Avoid the Danger Zone

 

I had to stop myself from going back and asking “can I buy a hamburger raw?”

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com         

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

 

 

Catatonic Coping

My sister got the seven year itch, from me. We have been roommates for seven years and she’s packing up her things and taking the show on the road. Moving to Portland Maine. Someplace unaccessable by subway.

It’s like a break up. I’m kinda hoping I respond by hooking up with a bunch of guys.

My coping mechanisms have never included extreme promiscuity which is unfortunate for me and the men in my immediate line of vision.

The thing is, I cope with change like a wild animal who spots its predator.

I freeze. I remain still and stoic. The weird, nonreactive behavior is noticeable. People are like “are you Ok?”  I stand like a  physically catatonic stress victim “I’m fine” I respond.

“You don’t seem like you”

I move my eyes so they know I am alive.

 

I’ve never been much of a crier. Ever. Even as a kid I never thought to cry about things

I feel like I was always one to strategize.

Like “oh I can’t have cake now well how about I act slighty annoyed at that information but just wait til you try to sleep through the night you stingy cake controlling parent you”

 

Sometimes my reaction is delayed, for years.

“Kendra, why are you crying?”

“I can’t believe Boris broke up with me”

“That was 5 years ago”

“Was it?”

 

I know this is going to be one of those situations.

“Kendra, whats this box of stuff in the middle of the living room?”

“Oh, that’s from my sister’s move”

“That move was like three years ago?”

“Was it?’

I’m the Leslie Nielson of personal problems.

 

I have been feeling very Naked Gunnish lately. Somebody asked me to recommend a good date spot recently. The place I suggested had been closed for two years. I’m not much for dating but I will point out what is wrong with everybody else’s relationships. No problem.

I’m a ruthless relationship critic.

Is there any money in that?

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy