BLONDE LOGIC

Love Meddler

I recently had a friend of a friend hound me to set her up with one of my guy friends. One of my favorite guy friends. Finally she said to me “give me your number, I’ll text you pictures of me” an aggressive move on her part. At that point, my hesitation and deliberation about introducing people from different parts of my life, is taken out of the equation. I can’t receive the pictures then not pass them on. Then I’m a sexy picture hoarder. I passed them along and thought “now I’m involved, whether they like it or not”

Now they both have what I like to call, a love meddler.

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Setting people up is always a crap shoot. They are both your friends and who doesn’t want to see friends find love. We as humans tend to think “this is perfect! Two likable people who are interested in each other. This is a no brainer” the caper is everybody has relationship issues. EVERYBODY. Will their idiosyncrasies mesh? It’s like an issues jigsaw puzzle and nobody knows if all the pieces really fit but you started the damn puzzle and you got some of it and you think you can see what it will look like when it’s done but it’s kinda too time consuming and sometimes you pretend like your still into it but in your head you know you’ve tried to fit that three bubbled bit with two straight edges into a corner slot 7 times already and it doesn’t fit but to stay in the game you pretend that’s the piece you’re working on. The point is you may be sending them on a candlelit cruise of exploration or you may be shoving them into a hot lava pit of romantic incompatibility.

That being said, I am a girl, physiologically and somewhat emotionally, so I have to meddle. Just a bit. As a girl asking questions like “Would you ever be into Joey?” is commonplace. Now if a dude goes and asks those types of questions I’m sure the conversation is a bit more lewd and definitely short lived. Guys are not great information gatherers when it comes to one on one interaction. Have you noticed?  There is nothing worse than finally getting some one on one time with a guy you like and you’re navigating the conversation with questions. I have blown a gasket more than once with a revealing question like “Don’t you have any questions for me?” and then they look at me like  “You are seriously keeping track of who asks who how many questions?” and I look back like “Fuckin A I am.” And the rest of the night is spent with few words but a lot of faces being made.

So yes, as a girl I will be following up with my set up. They haven’t even met yet so I figure I’ll have my mitts in this thing for another 6 to 8 weeks.

Thats about two months of meddling.

Just when  I thought I had nothing going on this summer..................

 

Thanks for listening.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

bellyaches > colds

I’ve had a cold for almost two weeks. The worst part about having a cold is everybody knows just by talking to you, that you have a cold. I deal with the public a lot so I have been bombarded with

“you have a cold? or you think its allergies?”

“what are you taking?”

“how long have you had it?”

“you sound like, that lady, what was her name?”

It goes on and on. People LOVE to talk about colds. My mother will call

“you sound worse”

“you sound better”

“did you get the zycam?”

“are you drinking orange juice? You gotta drink orange juice. Shit, I got orange juice here, I’d give it to you if you were around”

If you're sick, you better be prepared to answer some God Damn questions. 

If it’s not the questions, it’s the relaying of their own personal cold story or someone else they know that recently had a cold.

“I had that. Two weeks. Took me two weeks to get rid of it”

“this guy I know, he thought he had allergies, turns out he had pneumonia. No shit”

“last winter I had a cold for 3 weeks. The doctor couldn’t do anything just had to let it run its course. Then I broke my foot and got colitis. You know what colitis is?”

 

When I have a cold the last thing I want to do is chat. I want to be home in bed feeling sorry for myself. But no, I’m not sick enough to cancel my obligations.  I’m sick but I’m not sick enough. I have to be sicker.

I’d rather have a bellyache. Then it’s up to me whether or not I tell people I’m not feeling well. As I kid I had a lot of bellyaches. Shit, I would get sent home from school with a bellyache. Half the time I just ate too much and I wanted to lie down but still, my belly hurt. As an adult I never fake sick. I never cancel shit claiming “I don’t feel good: even though I’m feeling perfectly fine. Faking sick is so much better than being sick. Faking sick is pulling a fast one on your community of people. And I never do it. I gotta start faking sick. THAT I would want to talk about.  I would even strike up the conversation.

“Hey did you notice I wasn’t at work last week? I was sick. God I was so sick. You don't want to know what I had. I was bedridden. Nothing worse than Mother Nature telling you to lie in bed and watch TV for days. It was terrible. Do you have a cold?”

 

When I was younger I liked when I had obvious physical ailments. Once, a Queen bee stung me on the lip while I was sleeping. I woke up and the bee had its stinger in my lip, dead, hanging from my face. I rose from my bed trying to keep my head from moving, I went to wake up my mother who grumbled “go back to bed” so I did. Yes, I am an obedient good sleeper; I can fall back asleep with a cold dead insect hanging from my bottom lip. No problem. Needless to say my lip was swollen. I could not have been happier. I went to school with the dead bee in a see through sandwich bag. I didn’t wait for people to ask me what happened; I shook that bee in my friend’s faces and dove right into the story. Most people gasped when I told them my mother sent me back to bed with a dead bee on my lip but I pointed out the most impressive part, my obedience. To this day, I like to be acknowledged when I do what I’m told.

When I was ten I got sun poisoning in Florida. My face swelled up and had little bumps all over it and it was really itchy. We had to go to the emergency room while on vacation. My father was all pissed off he was missing time in the sun. I was annoyed because my itchy face made me lose my appetite and I really liked to eat. Especially on vacation. By the time we landed back in Boston, my face just looked red and flaky. Like a bad sunburn. I tried to tell people about my big bumpy face but, without being able to SEE it, well, it had less impact on the kids. At least I had my appetite back.

My cold seems better but as far as I’m concerned, I’m still sick.

I have to bartend and I have a few shows this week, I decided to take a preemptive approach to conversations about my cold. I ran into a friend earlier ( I almost wrote acquaintance but in the event the person reads this I want them to feel like they are more than an acquaintance even though I don’t know their last name)

Me: hey, how are you? I have a cold. Just took some decongestant and had a juice. So I’m addressing the situation. For all I know it could be allergies.

Him: That sucks! I’m late I gotta run.  See ya

Me: See ya wouldn’t want to be ya

Him: Yeah well, your nose is running

Me: Guess I better catch it.

Him: Ha ok well, hope you feel better

Me: (as he walks away) you do, do ya?

He didn't bite. Attempt to keep ridiculous conversation going: FAILED

 

Everybody says they hope you feel better but nobody says “You know what, you should call in sick”

That’s all I’m really looking for, is for someone to tell me what to do.

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

twitter @kendracomedy