BLONDE LOGIC

HAPPY NEW TEARS

I wanted to start the New Year off with enthusiasm, inspiration, and motivation. I really did but you can’t force that type of stuff. As I was sending out my Happy New Years texts, my phone autocorrected me on numerous occasions, sending out the ominous greeting “Happy New Tears” to friends and family.

 

Like a lot of families, my family is not good with open, frank conversations about emotions. I can’t even name my feelings most of the time. My emotional vocabulary consists of –Good, Tired, and Bloated. Bloated usually means other things like cranky, lazy, uncomfortable in my own skin.

That sentence was erroneously written ending with “uncomfortable in my own sin”.

 

I’ve been “bloated” for about three months now. My mother can sense I’m in a funk three days in. I’m not even aware I’m experiencing anything yet. I’m convinced I’m simply bound up.

Mum: Are you ok? You don’t sound good.

Me: Yeah I’m fine. My stomach is lethargic.

Mum:  You sound depressed.

There’s nothing like you’re mother telling you “you sound depressed” to under mind your happiness.

Once she gets it in her mind there’s something wrong, you’re doomed. The line of questioning gets more telling and painful.

Mum: Well, I mean, if you feel like you’re not where you should be in life at this age, I can understand that.

Me: No I’m fine.

Mum: I’m sure you want to find someone, I’m not talking marriage but …. It’d just be nice to have someone.

Me: Ok, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later.

Mum: Ok, well if you need me to give you money let me know.

Me: Mum I’m fine.

Mum: You don’t sound fine.

Me: Can we don’t talk about my emotional state for two consecutive days in a row.

Mum: Awareness is the first step.

 

You see what I’m saying.

Houdini couldn’t get out of this conversation loop.

 

 

This will go on for weeks. It’s a verbal form of Chinese Water Torture. She always wins. Whether  she prompts my self awareness or simply convinces me that I am in fact, in the dumps, I finally admit it.

Me: Yeah I think I am a little depressed.

Mum: Oh, you’ll be fine, honey.  Did you ever get that Ralph Lauren sweater at Marshalls? If not I’ll send it to you. It’s a great color for you.

 

Like any good Cunningham once you’ve acquiesced and she has that “Seeeee, I was RIGHT!” moment, she’s more than happy to douse you with compliments.

And clothes.

“I like your new sweater, Kendra”

“Thanks I got it for agreeing with my mother. It’s a wardrobe reminder that she was right”

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mutual Admiration Society 2012

 

FACT:  I remember more about people who compliment me than people who don’t. I can’t tell you one thing about our presidential candidates but Jimmy the Sous Chef who said I have a nice ass, what do you want to know?  

Often times I am the only one who remembers anything about the compliment exchange. I’ll see someone who complimented me 5 months ago and excitedly approach them with a big hug:

Me: “Benicioooooooooo how are you?”

Him: “um, good. I’m good”

Me: “Kendra. From the Brazen Head? You said I had a great speaking voice,,, you don’t remember?”

Him: “Oh. Ok. Jeez, I haven’t been to the Brazen Head in MONTHS. Good memory”

Me: “Thank you! You’re full of compliments. I love that about you. You like my new coat?”

 

You gotta hang on to them though, you know? People just aren’t as complimentary as they used to be. I actually hallucinated a compliment the other day. I thought the guy said “ you look lovely” to which I said “oh, thank you”  as I sucked in my belly. He looked at me and said “I said Are you hungry?”.  I guess I was hungry for some affirmations.

 

The best is the Quantifying Complimenter. The other day someone said to me “Oh Kendra, you know you have a very pretty face” (I might have made up the “very” part).  I didn’t like the sounds of that, I’ll be honest. She might as well have said “Kendra, I’d like to compliment you from the bottom of your chin to the top of your head. That’s it! What I’m about to say is limited to that area and that area only. Anything from the chin down, not getting the compliment, capiche? Tell your tits and ass and whatever else you got going on, not included.”  If I saw her on the street, not getting the hug. You see how I operate.

 

I’m starting the Mutual Admiration Society 2012 Edition. It’s gonna be my new social circle. We sit around and stroke each other’s egos. Most meetings start with me saying “OK, you go first. What do you like about me? Maybe we should spend the whole meeting on this just so I’m clear. Did I hear a “Your pretty”? You should always start with that. Can someone pass me that velvet throw? I’m chilly. Not enough fat on these bones. Right people?”

a snapshot from a Mutual Admiration Society meeting

 

Feel free to send compliments to me at [email protected]

Or via Twitter at kendracomedy

You can just plain old like me here

 http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kendra-Cunningham/78988529138

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com                   

www.blondelogicblog.com