BLONDE LOGIC

Suspiciously Single

My family pedigree includes inborn generalized (and personalized) suspicion. My mother can take the most mundane information and surmise misdirection. If I don’t return her calls in the time frame she sees suitable, I’ll get one of these:

Me:“Sorry I never got back to you last night, I went to bed early”

Her:“Are you sick?’

Me: “No, I’m fine. I just wanted to go to bed early.”

Her:“Oh. Have you been having trouble sleeping?”

Me:“Not at all”

Her “Well, if something is bothering you, you can talk to me about it.”

Me:“Nothing’s bothering me, I wanted to be lazy”

Her:“Is it that you never got married?”

Me:“Nooooo, there is no “IT”. I just didn’t feel like talking on the phone, OK, Serpico?”

Her:“Oh… so you DIDN’T go to bed early?”

Me: “Mom, c’mon”

Her: “What is this Sir Picko? I don’t think I like that. “

You can’t win. No matter what you say, it will not be taken at face value.

Carol Cunningham: Cross Examiner Extraordinaire

I’ve definitely inherited this leery makeup. Especially with men. I don’t trust them. Particularly the ones who have sex with me. The minute a guy has sex with me he becomes the prime suspect in an undefined investigation pioneered by moi’.  I should really just be direct and administer a post coital statement:

“You are officially under investigation. I am about to make it my mission to collect enough evidence to prove that you are not only a liar and a cheat but an all around son of a bitch.  I’m on the case. Now you may be a nice guy, maybe, but I’ll comprise a case that’ll make your mother question your character. Every conversation will be an interrogation whether it feels like one or not.  Consider yourself under surveillance and act accordingly. This in no way means I don’t want to continue seeing you but it does mean I’ve got my eye on you, buddy,  and, make no mistake, this is gonna be a battle every step of the way. C’mere and cuddle with me. C’mere you! You’re so cute. Look at you.”

See how I play good cop, bad cop?

You gotta keep ‘em guessing.

One day it’s a bed a roses the next day it’s a shakedown.

 

My special boyfriend chair:

T

 My crazy ex!

If you see this guy- let me know

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

Jimmy: The Elevator Guy

I’ve received half a dozen voicemails for someone named Jimmy this week. I don’t know Jimmy but I do know Gary needs him for an elevator job that involves a certain elevator model that only Jimmy knows inside and out. At first it was exciting. I don’t get a ton of voicemails, to see two new voicemails from an unfamiliar number.. this was something.

Gary was quick and direct in the first message “ Jimmy, its Gary I got one of those elevators on the fritz. Give me a call will ya buddy?” . The second one sounded like Gary’s hangover was kicking in “Jimbo, I need you to call me. Today. Seriously don’t be a jerkoff. It’s Gary”.  Two hours later I saw Gary rang my phone, I already recognized his number. This time he left the office number so I called him back. A lady answered the phone and said something like “LI Elevators”. I asked for Gary. She asked “who’s callin?”

“I’m a friend of Jimmy’s” I said without hesitation.

She put me on hold for what I felt was an unreasonable amount of time, I’m pretty sure Jimmy wouldn’t have liked it either. I hung up.

The next day I was at the gym when I saw Gary calling my phone, I sent him to voicemail. I didn’t want to help Gary anymore.

Gary left two messages describing the elevator situation and implied Jimmy had a history of irresponsible behavior. I had had enough. I called Gary one more time.

“Something Something Elevators”

“Yeah is Gary there?”

“Who’s calling?”

“Tell him it’s Jimmy”

I get transferred to another lady.

“Something Something Elevator”

“I’m trying to reach Gary”

“Who’s calling?”

“it’s a friend of Jimmy’s”

“Gary’s not here, can  I take a message?”

“Yeah can you tell him he has the wrong phone number for Jimmy. He keeps leaving him voicemails on my number”

“Do you have a new number for him? We have a job for him”

“I know you have a job for him but I don’t even know Jimmy. I’m just trying to get out of the loop.”

“I thought you said you were a friend of Jimmy’s”

“I just said that to try to get Gary on the phone”

“Okeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” she says like the only thing she is gonna remember about this conversation is I said I was Jimmy’s friend even though I wasn’t.

“Will you give Gary the message?”

“Wait, here’s Gary, you want to talk to him?”

“Not really. Can’t you just tell him what’s going on?”

The lady starts laughing.

I hang up.

I immediately got embarrassed that I hung up and thought about calling back and saying we got disconnected but I didn’t.  Instead I sat around and wondered if I should have handled it differently.

There’s a part of me that thinks it was an elaborate prank. I’m anticipating a voicemail tomorrow:

“Hey this is Jimmy, just calling in for messages”

I kinda hope so.

I have a feeling Jimmy is my type.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com