BLONDE LOGIC

Provisions

 

Every time I leave the house I buy something consumable. It usually starts immediately with food or a beverage. Or both. There are always snacks involved. For later.  I spend way too much time foreseeing bouts with hunger that never come to fruition. Two months ago my stomach growled. It took me a minute to realize what was going on. I couldn’t remember the last time it did that. I thought I had a verbal tapeworm.

I’m a big fan of snacks. I don’t like to eat the whole snack at once in the event I want more later so I end up with a lot of half eaten snacks in my purse.  Monday I opened by purse at  5:25 P.M. to find three  forms of snacks: half of a honey glazed donut, Cheez Its, and a Starbucks bag with a little more than a morsel of a salted caramel square. And a 64 oz bottle of water. I could survive for days on the contents of my purse alone. So if you see me carrying a purse know that I’m gonna be ok whether there is a natural disaster, or I somehow end up on the top of a mountain where someone needs to rescue me or if I just walk too long, I have provisions.

Although I am a compulsive snack buyer I don’t go food shopping much. Whether I’m talking about losing weight or saving money or cooking more often, at least once a week I come to the conclusion “ I should go food shopping”.  My doctor even told me “ Stop eating out as much. Go food shopping. You’ll eat less and have better portion control”. The thing is, getting something to eat is the number one reason I leave the house. If I stopped eating out I’d be skinny but nobody would see me so what’s the point.

It would probably have the reverse effect on me because when I go food shopping, I binge.I come home and I’m like “All this shit is paid for?” I act like I’m at an all inclusive resort, coupling fruit with pasta and a tomato and cheese omelet. Some yogurt with granola. A couple of cookies. I’m eating snacks paired with snacks and desserts paired with entrees. I don’t eat less. I eat it all.

I go to my married  friends houses and their cupboards are full. I ask “ what is all this food for? “. They buy food for the future. When I buy food I pretty much start eating it in the moments after purchase. Sometimes I say  “I’m gonna save some for Thursday” but most likely I’ll chow it down in the next twenty minutes. There is no shelf life for the food I buy. “ I’m like sorry half pound of pepper turkey – say bye bye!  I know you thought you had a few days left before you were completely devoured but no. I’m bored and you’re here sooooooo…..but don’t worry  there are hot dogs  and Cheez Its and lots of alcohol where you’re going – you’ll have fun. Have you met Bread and Butter pickles? They are very sweet. You’ll be travelling together”

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

Easter Ink

 

My mothers coming for Easter weekend. She sent this text to my sister

“You guys decide where to go for Easter. I won two Red Sox tickets for the 29^th. Want to check out getting eyebrows tattooed while I’m there. Talk later. XO”

I called her right away. I didn’t wait until later. I very calmly, with a matter of fact tone informed her I didn’t think eyebrow tattoos were such a good idea.

“ Oh c’mon- I’ll treat!” she responded

“I refuse to let you- my mother- my sister’s mother - get a face tattoo. It’s an absolute no. And a family face tattoo session on Easter Sunday weekend?  No way. I don’t want anything like that in my memory bank.“

She responded exasperated “ O.K.! Fine! Then you guys figure out what to do about Easter. I’m out of ideas.”

Cadbury eggs seem kinda dorky after the “lets get ink” idea.

She went on to tell me how a homeless person scared the shit out of her on the subway. “He stood next to me and yelled “ I’m homeless. Please help me” then he squatted down and started moaning. It was really scary. Do they do stuff like that in New York?”

“Yes. Only once one person yells out a fact about themselves, then other people participate. Someone yells “ I’m homeless” then someone else pipes in “I’m ashamed” or “ I have eyebrow tattoos” Its public bonding”

“Funny stuff. Real funny.”

Last year we watched the Red Sox opener on Easter Sunday at Riviera in the West Village. Most of the day was spent observing a 70 year old fanatic who looked like Jesus in a Bud soaked Youkilis shirt, screaming YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK repetitively and then blessing himself before he scarfed down a plate of buffalo chicken wings.

We beat the Yankees 9 to 7 that day. We need to bring Joshua Sacco back. He opened that game with Herb Brook’s Miracle Speech.

Josh Sacco Opening Day 2010

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Sorry Officer

 

My mother’s phone likes to pocket dial. I know you’re thinking- pocket dial whoopdeedoo. There is an interesting story here. I swear. The thing is the phone only calls one person.

My sister’s boyfriend.

Sometimes at 7 a.m.. Sometimes at 11 p.m.. Sometimes at 9:22 then 9:24 then one more time at 9:33. It might be a 30 second voicemail of cryptic clamor. Or a 3 minute recording of my mother cursing out other drivers. If he’s lucky he gets a few minutes of her acknowledging the bogus dial aloud while trying to figure out how to stop the voicemail recording.

I tell her to delete his number. She claims she needs it  “ in case something happens”.

I can’t tell you how many decisions in my family are based on the occurrence of the improbable. Catastrophes are always factored into the decision making process. “ I can’t erase your sister’s boyfriend’s number from my phone, what if something happens? How would that look? What kind of mother would I be? I’m sorry Officer, I DON’T have my daughter’s boyfriend’s phone number because, well,  I kept calling him morning noon and night. Accidently. Of course.”

“What if something happens?”  is Cunningham talk for “ What if something HORRIBLE happens?” . It’s never something believable like “What if your sister loses her phone and she’s with her boyfriend and I need to call her on his phone but I don’t have his number?”. It’s always something that would require the arrival of, and ultimately, an interrogation by, the cops. A banal choice becomes an abominable risk.

My sister’s boyfriend made the mistake once of returning her stray call and having some laughs over it which she really enjoyed. The problem is he set a precedent that one time. Now she expects some response “You know this is the third time this week my phone has accidently called him and not once has he called back. What’s his problem? It’s not funny anymore? Well sorry let me think of something fresh and new. Ding dong ditch perhaps. Jeez. You know, something might have happened to me and he wouldn’t know…..”

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

 

The ManBoy Who Cried Date

 

Self Induced Illness to Avoid Date Plans Tonight

 

I had dinner plans with a manboy February  1^st 2011 he cancelled due to a tummy ache.  The rescheduling was to occur the following week. But alas, when the following week arrived, no follow up. Since then he has on numerous occasions talked about making this dinner happen:

“ You still want to go eat?’  Sadly, I always say “yeah sure” and then what happens?

Nothing! Nada! Nieko!

In order to be viewed as a normal self respecting human being I have to stop myself from saying “Seriously? Enough with the fantastical overture. As long as we’re strictly talking in the realm of “ things that will never happen” why stop at a fictional dinner? Why not invite me to take this imaginary relationship to the next level? Maybe a trip to your Mom’s?  or a highly sensual , adventure laden vacation? A well planned bank robbery? Shit like that. Mix up the bogus invites. That way I don’t recognize it as chicanery. I can still participate with false hope”

It’s not fair because the next guy who asks me out I’m gonna be like “ You want to take me to dinner? Whatever buddy. I’ve had these “let’s go to dinner” offers before and guess what? Never happened. So do us both a favor, will ya? Take your bullshit elsewhere. OK? Don’t look at me like that. You and your apocryphal  offers can take a hike.  You think I’m gonna fall for that again? I don’t think so. Nice try though”

Looking back, I see I should have been wary of the “tummy ache” excuse. I think we all know a tummy ache is no excuse to cancel plans that may lead to heavy petting.  C’mon!  I’m too smart for that.

Unless of course it was a self induced tummy ache.  A “oh shit I’m supposed to go out with Kendra tonight. Quick give me stuff to make me sick to my stomach. Hurry!”

At least make it something believable.  His girlfriend is making a surprise visit, maybe, but a tummy ache, I think not.

 
This girl is practicing the "Kendra Cunningham's Response to Dinner Date Invitations" method to maintaining your single status

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

The ManBoy Who Cried Date

 

Self Induced Illness to Avoid Date Plans Tonight

 

I had dinner plans with a manboy February  1^st 2011 he cancelled due to a tummy ache.  The rescheduling was to occur the following week. But alas, when the following week arrived, no follow up. Since then he has on numerous occasions talked about making this dinner happen:

“ You still want to go eat?’  Sadly, I always say “yeah sure” and then what happens?

Nothing! Nada! Nieko!

In order to be viewed as a normal self respecting human being I have to stop myself from saying “Seriously? Enough with the fantastical overture. As long as we are strictly talking in the realm of“things that will never happen” why stop at a fictional dinner? Why not invite me to take this imaginary relationship to the next level? Maybe a trip to your Mom’s?  or a highly sensual , adventure laden vacation? A well planned bank robbery? Shit like that. Mix up the bogus invites. That way I don’t recognize it as chicanery. I can still participate with false hope”

It’s not fair because the next guy who asks me out I’m gonna be like “ You want to take me to dinner? Whatever buddy. I’ve had these “let’s go to dinner” offers before and guess what? Never happened. So do us both a favor, will ya? Take your bullshit elsewhere. OK? Don’t look at me like that. You and your apocryphal  offers can take a hike.  You think I’m gonna fall for that again? I don’t think so. Nice try though”

Looking back, I see I should have been wary of the “tummy ache” excuse. I think we all know a tummy ache is no excuse to cancel plans that may lead to heavy petting.  C’mon!  I’m too smart for that.

Unless of course it was a self induced tummy ache.  A “oh shit I’m supposed to go out with Kendra tonight. Quick give me stuff to make me sick to my stomach. Hurry!”

At least make it something believable.  His girlfriend is making a surprise visit, maybe, but a tummy ache, I think not.

 
This girl is practicing the "Kendra Cunningham's Response to Dinner Date Invitations" method to maintaining your single status

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com