BLONDE LOGIC

Drunken Evolution

 

There was a time when I would get drunk and call guys I liked at all hours of the night or get online and stalk crushes maybe even email their girlfriends. Recently my drunken behavior has evolved, or possibly matured. Lately I’ve been getting drunk and heading home to try to make my life better by applying to jobs at 3 a.m.  It’s interesting to see the casual tone of the cover letters I compose while under the influence but not as interesting as the medley of vocations I am drawn to when inebriated. Most choices are with organizations that don’t have a human resources department.  Drunk Kendra wants to be a black jack dealer at private parties in Brooklyn. Drunk Kendra is game for heavy lifting with a start up shipping company.  Drunk Kendra is willing to be discrete and answer phones at a bondage facility for ten dollars an hour under the table.   You know you’re getting called about a crap job when they refer to the job as THE JOB and use first names only. “This is Tony. You wrote me about THE JOB. You can reach me at 555-1212. Click”.  

Drunk Kendra went on the wagon for lent.

Sober Kendra applies for part time bartending jobs and comedic acting gigs. I went on an audition to play Dog the Bounty Hunters wife in a mock comedic segment. I chatted with the guy for a bit and then asked if he had a script for the audition. To which he replied “Oh you don’t have to audition. You’re a shoe-in”. Now if you’ve seen Dog The Bounty Hunters wife you know why that is a raw insult.  In broad daylight to boot. But I still took the gig!

I got called for an interview for a bartending job. My phone has been ringing off the hook! The Spanish manager at the Italian restaurant asked for a copy of my resume, eyeballed it, and scribbled something that looked  like “muy gordita” in the margin. Now I’m not fluent in Spanish but I know enough to guess that “muy gordita” means something along the lines of very chubby. I was immediately insensed. I can see chubby but VERY chubby. Up yours Carlos. And by the way Carlos happened to be “muy flaco”  and I didn’t need to write that down to remember. I was waiting for my moment to lay into this guy because I have been itching for a fight lately. That’s one of the worst things about being single, I can’t pick arbitrary fights with my boyfriend . I have to do it with strangers. Strangers who have unfamiliar fighting strategies. Just as I was about to embark on my verbal barrage, a waitress asked Carlos a question and I got a good look at his Spanish scribble. It said “muy bonita”.  Oh, my sweet sweet Carlos.

Besos para ti Carlos!

I never saw Carlos again after our official interview at a two top by the kitchen but I’ll always remember him simply because Sober Kendra likes to repeat the phrase  “ My sweet sweet Carlos” to herself intermittently and arbitrarily.

Why? We’ll never know.  

 

This is  a picture of Beth - Dog The Bounty Hunter's Wife - you see my point?

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

 

 

 

Bartending on the Wagon

 

Bartending while on the wagon can be a tricky thing. The normal everyday annoyances of being a public servant either become miniscule or magnified. With the lent season upon us, remember a lot of Irish Catholics end up in the bartending business, or as we like to call it, Utopia.

Not everybody makes conscious decisions to participate in self inflicted self deprivation, it takes a certain breed of people. People who strive to be better, to challenge themselves, or simply need to dry out.

Here is an excerpt from my mock self help book designed to help social inept patrons connect with their neighborhood bartender. Keep this in mind for the next forty five days in order to foster a positive bartender – patron relationship ( and make a sober bartender’s life easier!)

 

 Place your orders audibly.

Mouthing your orders or using hand gestures to indicate placing an order often results in incorrect order placing, arguments with the bartender, and, ultimately, yes, it happens: overcharging.  Miming and communicating via hand signals are both inappropriate modes of communication in a bar. If you get tired of yelling your order to the bartender, get a friend to do it, write it down, or better yet, call it a night. If you can’t pull your weight, your dead weight .  Dead weight is not just a state of mind it’s also an energy drain, for everybody. Can’t you tell who the party pooper of the group is right away? Even if you don’t know anybody in the group, you just know. They don’t smile, they become easily annoyed when jostled, and nothing tastes right.  They  forgot their ATM card, their phone is dying, and a random spilled red wine on their new kicks. The list goes on and on. These people are prime candidates for the mime or wild hand gesture method of ordering a round. Once the bartender has procured the actual order via hostile interrogation, the dead weight drink purchaser will typically take up to five minutes to figure out his method of payment. For the love of God, be ready to initiate, except and pay for the order all in one swoop. How can you not be prepared to pay for drinks you ordered three minutes ago. The bartender went and made the drinks and came back and you just now think about the method of payment? Go home. That is all I can say. Go home.

But don’t forget to tip your bartender!

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com