BLONDE LOGIC

No catch up

 

I talk to my mother so much, there is absolutely nothing to catch up on. There is no catching up. None. 

I already know everything. I know what she had for dinner, what she wished she had for dinner,  who she ate with and what they had even though they usually get chicken, the waiters name, appearance,  and life story, a small discrepancy with the bill, whether or not she would go back  and how it could have been better.

She doesn’t see it the same way. It doesn’t matter to her whether there is something new to talk about. She is more than happy to repeat conversations, rehash details, or question your take on a situation, just as long as she gets to talk on the phone.  Her latest thing is texting. Texting regarding phone calls- “are you up? Call me”  or  “if you can call me –call me”  and the most common:  “ did you just call me?”

Once you get on the phone, heavan forbid you forget anything my mother tells you. She can go from conversational to aggressively incensed in seconds. 

Example

Me: “So how was last night?”

Mom:  ( relaxed and normal) “We had some laughs. We were home early. I mean, we just went for a nibble at that place Maria’s. Nothing too fancy”

Me:”Oh is that the place on the water?

Mom: ( aggressively incensed) “ NO! You don’t remember me telling you about MARIA’s? It’s right up the street. I told you about it. It’s delicious and its close and the people are always nice. That’s where Dan the waiter works. He writes the plays. Remember I told you about Dan? Do you? Do you remember?”

Me:”Yes! I remember. Dan the playwright. You went to one and said you weren’t impressed.”

Mom: (moderately defensive) “ Well, yes but  I also said a lot of nice things about him too sooo.. ”

Sometimes I feel like, I know more about the people who wait on my mother than I do about my own cousins.

Turns out my mother’s “nibble” consisted of a prime rib and mashed potatoes at early bird prices.

She ate it in really small morsels though.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

Valentine's Day: Make Your Own Fun

 

 

 

I look forward to  Valentine’s Day and not in the girly “get me a card and write about your feelings” type of way but with  a childish Christmas morning “what am I gonna get?” anticipation.  Let’s face it, it doesn’t matter how many times you say you’re not into it, or pull the old “ When is that?”  blasé attitude, when you wake up on the morning ( or in my case, the afternoon) of February 14^th, you’re in the game. You can either mope around complaining about how much you hate it and how it’s a commercial holiday based solely on money making intentions and ridicule the couples traipsing off to their  long awaited reservation for two, or you can milk it for all the gratuitous adoration you can seize in a 24 hour period. Why would I not want to participate in a holiday whose whole crux is founded on allowing the general public an opportunity to tell me how much they like me?   I’m in. All in.

As a single woman, I tend to get creative in my celebration style on Valentine’s Day. The following is a sure fire why to enjoy the day whether you like it or not.

1. Wake up as late as possible. The more people don’t actually see you on this day, the better. They’ll wonder if you’re still going at it from the night before. This curiosity is best enhanced with some subtle implications. Once you get out and about make sure to giggle a lot and say things like “ Sorry I’m late.  I’m so sore. Is my face red? I think I have whisker burn.” Always end it with an emphatic “ Don’t ask!”
2. Dress “as if”. Dress as if you’re trying to seduce someone. Nobody needs to know your “someone” is really “ anyone”. 
3. Always have remnants of chocolate on your person. You don’t need expensive chocolate for this. Suck on a Twix. It’ll leave chocolate deposits on the side of your mouth and you can smear the caramel on your shirt. People always ask about food stains. Believe me. Bonus: if you suck a Twix in public, extra attention!  
4. Carry around a vase of flowers. Make sure to huff and puff and make a big deal out of it. Don’t pay for flowers! You can get them for free. Go to the Halloween store, get blood pellets. Yes they sell them.  Put one under your tongue, approach an FTD delivery truck, bite the pellet, as the fake blood drips out the corner of your chocolate stained mouth say “ Excuse me, I forgot to get my boyfriend flowers. Can I trouble you for a dozen roses? Please? Oh god here he comes” grab the flowers and run for your life. The fake blood ends up looking like wine stains after about ten minutes. Keep that effect.
5.  Pay incessant attention to your phone. Pretend to be texting and receiving texts all day. Laugh a lot, ask people things like “ how do you say “I can’t wait” in Italian?”, toss your hair and look up to the sky with a smile on your face like your thinking of something witty then suddenly go back to the phone like you just thought of the perfect retort. Be intensely preoccupied.
6. Stop into your local for a quick one. By now you should be decked to the nines with chocolate, caramel, and “wine” stains, carrying your free flowers. Let men buy you drinks but keep saying “Shit! I gotta go. I’m so late”. Don’t stay past 830. You’ll blow your cover.
7. Go home but don’t fall asleep. Get online and find a restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to. At midnight, post a link to the restaurant’s website to your Facebook page with a clever comment, implying you went there for Valentine’s Day.
8. Call into work sick the next day. Wait until noon and then change your relationship status on all your social networking sites. People watch that stuff. Wait for comments. Be patient.
9. When you go back to work, carelessly drop an unopened pregnancy test kit from your purse. Look around anxiously while you slowly go to retrieve it. Leave the Plan B website up on your computer by accident. Don’t wear eye makeup so you look sleepy.
10. Whenever anyone asks you about Valentine’s Day and your relationship, smile sheepishly and tell them you’re a very private person. After all, you don’t want to lie.

 

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Send me stuff!

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

 

Instant Companionship

 
 

 

90 % of the phone calls I get are from my mother. For her, the phone is instant companionship. If she is alone and something happens, no need to hesitate, make a call and wahlah you have someone to share the excitement with whether it’s a deeply discounted Michael Kors sweater, a box of Cheez Its that just tastes off, or some moron who cut her off at the rotary, the story needs to be told. Pronto.  She’ll forget how important it is an hour from now and the delivery will suffer. Her running themes have remained consistent over the years: food, money saving opportunities, and/or personal injustice.

My all time favorite:

Me: (answering phone) Hi

Her: ( whispering) Can you hear me?

Me: Yes. Why are you whispering?

Her: I’m at work and the toilet overflowed. ( still whispering)

Me: And why are you whispering about it?

Her:  I flushed my peach pit down the toilet. ( it sounds as if she has now cupped the mouthpiece)

Me: Why did you flush your peach pit down the toilet?

Her: (pause) I was on the toilet eating a peach.

 

It’s ok for her to sashay across the office into the john with a big juicy peach, use the toilet as an impromptu breakfast nook, but when the disposing of edible waste in the toilet causes a public problem, THAT’S the moment she starts to think “Hmmm this might be viewed as unusual behavior. Let me call someone”

When I pointed this out to her she said:

“C’mon. You’ve NEVER brought a snack to the bathroom?”

I was tempted to refuse to respond but instead I said “ No Mum, I haven’t. Now do me a favor and promise me you won’t turn this into a personal quest to find someone who does. OK?  Take my word for it, it is an uncommon practice that you should keep to yourself.”

“Fine. Can we change the subject?”

“Please do”

That innocent peach pit prompted rumors, most of them originating from my mother, as to which office outcast was so “completely out of their mind” that they would use the toilet as a garbage disposal, there were a few humorous handmade signs hung on the Ladies Room door

“ WARNING: Peach Eating in Progess” and a memo from HR regarding intelligent use of the rest rooms.

I haven’t heard anything about her unusual habit since but one time last year , I went to visit her and I slipped on a cherry pit getting out of the shower.

I pretended it never happened.

I didn’t want to know.

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com