BLONDE LOGIC

Trigger

 

There is no predicting what will piss someone in my family off. We could have a guest over who drinks all our booze, breaks a cherished goblet, tells everyone to go fuck themselves and we’ll all be fighting for the honor of getting them home safe. Not only that, we’ll call them the next day to make sure they are alright, even offer to bring them  a bacon, egg, and cheese and an iced coffee, take them out for a walk. If you hurt us, we will help you.

Uncle Buck would have fit right in.

It’s usually the humdrum actions of everyday life that will elicit a whimsical tantrum from a family member. Last night someone called my sister but didn’t leave a voicemail. That measly action triggered an episode:

Her: “ Look, no voicemail. Can you believe that? She calls me up, I don’t answer so she won’t leave a message? That shit pisses me off. Because.. you want to know what? She knows that drives me crazy. She knows that about me. That if someone calls and doesn’t leave a voicemail, it’ll drive me batty. Jesus. That’s the fun- the voicemail. Why deprive me of the fun? When I saw my phone ringing, I was looking forward to the voicemail but nope! Unreal. Don’t call me if you’re not gonna leave a message. Don’t call me at all. “

Me: playing with my food “well….”

Her: “Well nothing. Now I gotta go call her back. It just drives me crazy, you know?”

Me: “Yeah. I know.”

Her: “ Oh boy, look at this. Now SHE won’t pick ME up. I can’t take it. Well, guess what? I’m not leaving a message.”

Me: “ No don’t. You shouldn’t”

Her: “ I’m exhausted. That’s the type of crap that wipes me out.”

Me: “I hear ya”

I played DJ for  a bit to get her mind off it, loud enough so we could still hear the phone.

She never called back.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sit or Lie Down: It should be a choice

Happy New Year!

 

I’ve  been reading a lot of goal setting books in order to have crystal clear goals and resolutions for the new year. There are a lot of exercises to clarify specifics. One exercise I find is reoccurring in these books is:

Take inventory of how you spend your time and what you think about.  Write it out. Start with:

 I spend my time______________________________

Here are a few of mine:

I spend my time ……thinking about when I’m gonna be able to get back to bed.  I’m always trying to get things done so I can get home and lie down.   I visualize my bed, empty and available. It makes me anxious.  Empty bed anxiety.

I spend my time………. planning on telling people off. I imagine fights that I know will never happen. I fantasize about putting people in their place, once and for all. This is a big time suck for me.  Illusive altercations.

I spend my time………………. wishing other people would complete my “TO DO “ list for me.  Sometimes when I’m looking at my “TO DO” list I say out loud “What’s this? What is all this? Huh? Things for ME to do today? How about this, how about ..  YOU do it! Huh? How about that?” .  Of course the “ you” is really “me” but it’s still fun.  A cheap laugh is still a laugh.

I spend my time………daydreaming that my crush will aggressively pursue me. I’m too lazy to flirt. I can’t do it. I’m  sick of stupid texts keeping the hopes of love alive. I don’t even participate anymore. My favorite crush from last year, my only crush from last year, texted me last week. ‘”YO. You doing alright?”  No substance.  No invitation to spend time together. No written seduction. Normally I would try to be flirty yet aloof. Not anymore. I shot back “ When you gonna wine and dine me? I’m fading away to nothing over here!” He fed me once in three months. Once.  I can’t flirt when I’m famished.

I spend my time ……….asking a lot of questions that begin with WHY?. For example : WHY can’t someone have a crush on me and tell me how much they think I’m their type and ask me out on a date and plan the date with the intent of impressing me. And then be OBVIOUS about wanting to impress me and remember things I have told them and ask me follow up questions,  to the point where it is annoying but it’s nice that they remembered,  like:

Guy who very obviously wants me: “ Did you ever bring your laundry in? I know you were putting that off”

Me: “ No. I never did it and now the bag weighs 40 pounds. I’m not kidding.  40 pounds.”

Lovestruck dude: “Let me take it to the laundromat for you”

Me: “Yeah. OK. You do it! ( giddy laughter)  That’d be great. Thank you. Thank you….but that doesn’t make you my boyfriend. Technically, you’re still courting me so don’t stop with the niceties. Understood?”

 

 

It’s January 16^th and I still haven’t made it to step two of the goal setting process which entails finding a common thread in the ways I spend my time in order to identify natural talents. Eyeballing my data, it is plausible  I would excel at a job where I  think up scenarios for a parallel universe with the running theme of revenge, control, and  hedonism.

In a  work environment where I get to choose whether I sit or lie down.

It should be a choice.

For everyone.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Queen Estabrook

 
My mother spent most of December referring to me as “ Queen Estabrook”, which I correctly suspected was a purely fictional name concocted by my mother who ferociously claimed Queen Estabrook was a well known historical character with a reputation for being specific and unyielding in her wants and needs.  This nickname was based on the fact that I verbalized the fact that I was unimpressed with her lunch order,  the fact that I like to recline the passenger seat in the car when I ride in it, and a half a dozen idiosyncratic tendencies my mother found haughty.

My New Year’s resolution came early but authentically. 2011: the year of the Queen Bee. No exceptions.  If I can’t have things the way I want them, I don’t want them at all.

My resolution was quickly tested when my plans to meet friends in Cabo were changed last minute. I had booked a luxury suite with two bathrooms all to myself. A perfect way to start off the New Year, Queen Bee status.  My friends decided they wanted to switch up and go to an all inclusive in Puerta Vallarta. The change in price was minimal, and it was all inclusive, sounded good until the room change.

Very helpful customer service person :“OK Miss Cunningham, so…”

I thought about saying “ Queen Cunningham”

“ Your flight change is no problem, but the room..right now we just have ONE room and it’s not a suite”

Hopeful me: “ Is it ocean front?”

Hesitantly: “ No, it’s not ocean front.”

Optimistic me:  “ OK. Is it ocean VIEW?”

Pause:” No It’s not an ocean view room”

Me: “ Does it have windows?”

Upbeat:” Oh, I’m sure. I mean it must have windows.”

The guessing game was getting old.

Me: “ Tell me about the one room you have available”

Suddenly unemotional rep: “ It is  a studio, it sleeps…..”

Me, interrupting: “ Let me guess, it sleeps one? The studio sleeps one? And it’s the only room available because nobody has ever rented it. Not once. Since the resorts inception it has remained vacant.  It may or may not be on resort grounds and there is a possibility I might be asked to do some manual labor while I’m there?”

I cancelled. I couldn’t start the New Year on a downgrade.

 I got my money back and spent two days throwing things out of my bedroom.  I took a suitcase full of stuff to Beacon’s Closet. They bought TWO things.

Since when did working in a second hand clothing store give you faux Sex in the City status? They stood in their mismatched outfits, looking gaunt and malnourished, picking  through my items making faces like “ I don’t think so”

I wanted to say “Do I need to remind you, you are in the business of  selling people’s garbage? Everything in this store is considered trash by its former owner. That suitcase you’re going through is my trash. Technically, you’re trash saleswoman  and you’re giving me attitude?”

I wished I had stuck some real rubbish in the mix, something with meat in it. Maybe a half eaten salami and cheese sub. But I didn’t think of it in time.

I got eighteen dollars for my two items and bought a vintage ring for 8.

I walked out of there ten bucks richer but just as pale with  a suitcase full of trash.

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com