BLONDE LOGIC

Audible Sighs

 

I’m in an audible sigh phase. I think it’s a passive aggressive way to spread my frustration and vexations to the general public. Whenever I let out an audible sigh in public there is always  at least one person  who jumps a little and  turns to look to see if the sigh was an indication of an impending attack. What attacker would let out a weary grunt before attacking?  Whenever people turn and look I want to say “ Just testing you. Be careful of the fed up  muggers! They often let out a big “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t feel like attacking another person on the street but this is what I do.”  noise before they pounce!”

I used to pull the audible sigh thing on a daily basis when I worked on a trade desk. Back then it was accompanied with a lot of face rubbing and it was more of a lamentation which ended with a swear word like “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck”. I hated that job.

The other day someone walking by me on the street commented on my sigh, one of those people who will walk almost right next to you, enough so that other people might think you’re walking together. I hate that. I let out a nice big sigh, pretty loud and the guy says “ that bad huh?”

Now it looks like we’re walking and talking together. I don’t even know this guy

I wanted to  grab him by the collar and say with clenched teeth  “yeah it is that bad mutha fucker. It      is    really   really    fucking   bad  so what you gonna do about it, sidler ? “

But I didn’t . I just said “ No not really. I’m just being a baby” and I smiled. I’m such a phony. He went home thinking we had a pleasant interaction. Maybe he had even brightened my day. I went home wondering if I’ll ever have the balls to grab someone by the collar.

My mother called me out on my sighing the other day.

Mom:” what are you sighing for?”

Me:” oh I don’t know. It feels good”

Mom:” it’s feels good to sigh like that? Really? It doesn’t sound like an expression of enjoyment. It sounds like a cry for help.”

Me:” well it’s not”

Mom:” Well it should be. That is exactly what you should use it for. Do it again. You should really hear yourself. Do it again and listen”

Me:” I can’t sigh on que Ma. It’s got to be natural”

Mom:” AHHHHH. That’s what you sound like. You see what I’m saying? I hope you don’t do that in public. It’s scary is what it is. You could do that on Halloween and you wouldn’t need a costume. I’m just kidding you. Hello? Can you hear me?“

If you stay quiet on the phone with my mother for a few minutes you can hear her go off about how much she hates cell phones

Mom: ( continued) “ Kendra ? Oh for Christ’s sake. This piece of junk. Hello? No she’s gone. The call dropped. Just like that “

Me:” Hi Mom I can hear you now”

Mom:” Unreal. This phone………..”

And just like that, the sighing is forgotten.

Kendra Cunningham, manipulating conversation topics through trickery and deception.

 Watch and learn people!

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

www.blondelogicblog.com

Dead Cupid

A friend recently met a new man on Friday night and proceeded to call me all weekend filling me in on various pieces of information she gathered about him, unintentionally sharing the highs and lows of waiting for his next moment of communication, and ultimately deciding she wasn’t interested in pursuing things after all.  All in the course of one weekend and she never had to leave the house. I wrote this for her.

 

 

How to squash a  budding relationship in 48 hours or less

First, have your own specific expectations that you keep top secret. This is  integral. You must have a preconceived notion of how the next 48 hours should go, i.e. “he should  call me ON THE PHONE  and ask me a lot of questions so I feel like he’s interested. No texting.”.  A nice old fashioned telephonic courtship is always a good way to set him up for failure.  Or if you know he’s heading to the airport, you can hold tight to physically unrealistic goals   ” He should contact me before six p.m. my time,  and make a plan for this week not matter what his location may be. If he really likes me he’ll find someone else to spend time with his mother and  do what is really important,  spend time with me” . The more your foreshadowing is based on fairytale like values, the better.  This behavioral criteria is not to be shared with anyone, until the 48 hours is over and his actions have clearly shown you – he’s not the one. Then you can share your internal benchmarks as evidence of his inability to be chivalrous.

Next, clear your calendar. Make sure you have absolutely nothing to do for the next 48 hours. You will need every minute of every hour to analyze any data available whether it’s online or via word of mouth, start gathering info. What do people know about this guy? Don’t just take info at face value, listen to the cadence  and tone of their voice as they say it. It’s usually the most important information that is only found between the lines.  Take liberties with interpretations. A “ I don’t really know the guy” can just as easily mean “ he’s a player but you’re a nut so I’m not saying a damn thing”.  A “ I think he has a girlfriend” clearly means “ he’s hot and I want him so I want you to think he’s unavailable” . Nice try.

Make sure to have the phone beside you at all times. Check it constantly so every minute he doesn’t contact you, hurts.  You want to prepare yourself for that final 47^th hour when you have to throw in the towel and give up on this guy.  Take the lack of contact as an emotional assault.

 

Escape reality. You’re starting to sense your sentimental speculation is waning. Take something. Wine. Tylenol PM. Ambien. Whatever you have. Sleep for as many hours as possible. Seriously, if you can sleep for fifteen hours, do it. Get as far away from the situation as possible without actually leaving the house. He might stop by.

When you come to, check all means of communication. Scrutinize his Facebook page. He made a status update. Hmm he has time for Facebook but not for you. Your first fight is brewing. Now you’re starting to see the real him. The dickhead. The unreliable, self engrossed jerk. The side you couldn’t see through your veil of amorous projections.

Call a friend, bite your tongue and  don’t mention how poorly your relationship is going. Play it cool. If she offers unsolicited information, listen but don’t respond. You don’t want to blow your “ I’m losing my mind” cover. No matter what, don’t believe a word she says. She might want him too.

Call it off. Enough is enough. You can’t trust this guy. He’s busy all weekend? Please! You’re calling the shots. Text him “ I got engaged!”. Make it seem like a mass text.  Wait and see if this rude bastard congratulates you.

Knowing him, he won’t!

Go back to bed.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

Emasculating

 

My mother loves when I write about her. She pitches stories about herself to me all the time. If I don’t laugh she says “Ok ok how about this one, ahhh you can probably tell it better but, I go to get a manicure, right?  And the lady tells me she won’t give me tips. I can’t understand why because she’s Vietnamese or something but every few minutes she says “no tips” and looks me right in the eye like “ I have denied your request what you gonna do ?”.  I kept thinking they should all wear those Vietnamese hats. Maybe even dress in traditional Vietnamese attire, I think it would be good for business. I want one of those hats. Do you know what they’re called? Oh forget it, you’re not even listening” .

Her best stories come out innocently. She got her palm read this weekend in Maine.

Mom : “ This lady was great! She says I’m gonna live to be 92.  There are two men in my future, she gave me their initials and..  Oh!  she said  chewing gum gives me gas.” 

Me:” Is that true?”

Mom:” Well  yeah,  it does  but I like to chew gum sooo screw it! I thought it was weird that she picked up on that, though. ”

Me:” Were you chewing gum at the time?”

Mom:” Shit! I can’t remember. Ha ! Imagine that! ”

 

My family has always been big fans of  fortune telling. I don’t know how many afternoons I spent at Regina Russell’s Tea Room in Quincy, Mass. waiting for a specific tea leaf reader to be available to describe in detail my next boyfriend. Then I would spend the next three months walking around dressed to the nines, ready for love, smiling incessantly. That was when I was always nice. Now you might catch me being bitchy but it never goes unnoticed.  Anytime I let myself be in a mood, I get called out on it at least once but usually more. And it’s usually people who don’t know me well enough to expect me to confide my bad mood catalyst to them.

Guy I recognize but don’t know his name :“ Kendra, are you ok? You seem like you’re in a mood or something”

ME: ( internally) “I seem like I’m in a mood because I am in a mood. Why aren’t I allowed to be in a mood?  Why is it when I’m in a mood EVERYBODY wants to talk about my mood? But when I’m not in a mood nobody is sitting around saying “ Kendra, what a great personality you have. It’s really fun to be around you. I’m glad you’re not in a mood “   That never happens, ever!”

ME: ( externally) “ yeah I’m tired today”  but I don’t smile – that’s me being bitchy – no smile.

 

I got my astrological charts read for my birthday. She said I am going through a divesting cycle and I will no longer be drawn to men who are prone to depression and substance dependency issues. I hope she is right. I’ve spent most of my life saying “ Oh I want you to meet my boyfriend. Oh there he is- see the man crouched in the corner crying- that’s him!  Excuse me for a moment,  I should bring him some tissues and a Jameson. Don’t want him sobering up and trying to leave me! I’m kidding! I'm trying to ween him off the tissues. They're emasculating.”

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Imposter

 

Last week I had a favor go sour. I woke to a note from my sister

“Will you do me a favor, mail this card and pick up my prescription at CVS? Love KDC”

Technically that’s two favors but considering they required me to act like an imposter and a mule in  broad daylight,  I was in.  Mailing the card was easy and less than exciting but CVS turned out to be a whole other story.

Pharmacist  1: “ Hi. Picking up or dropping off?”

Me:” Picking up. Cunningham, Kristen”

Pharmacist:” hmmmm when did you drop it off, Miss Cunningham?”

 

 I start getting nervous.

 

Me:” Wow ya know,  I think it automatically renews? ”

Another pharmacist joins the conversation.

Pharmacist 2:” I can look  it up in the computer. What’s your social security number?”

 

I flush.

 

Me:” Crap! I left my wallet at home. Maybe I’ll come back”

Pharmacist 1 : “ She can search by date of birth”

 

Pharmacist 2: ”NO I found it. Right here.  Kristen Cunningham.  I just have a prescription for birth control and well,  is it true you picked up three months worth on August 27? ”

 

I was feeling a bit like a robbery suspect in my hoodie and sunglasses.

 

Me:” That must be an error. Ya know what? I’m sorry, I’m not Kristen. I’m her sister.  I don’t know the answer to the question. I was trying to do a favor. I’ll  just tell her I couldn’t. Thank you. And… sorry I lied about who I was”

Pharmacist #2 walked away. Pharmacist #1 said “Next”

I stepped on the person’s foot behind me.

My sister didn’t believe me at first. I was convinced she set  me up.

 

 

I do a lot of favors for people. I like to. It’s an easy way to show you like someone without actually talking about how much they mean to you. I’d rather complete a frustrating task than have an emotional conversation.

I don’t ask for favors much. My favors are usually simple like “ Will you do me a favor, will you bring me that bottle of wine?” ”  “ Will you do me a favor, pass me the remote?”    “ Will you do me  a favor, will you wrap up that last slice and put it away. Please? C’mon I’m so comfortable”   Most of the favors I ask for are favors that can be completed in my line of vision. I can see that the person has actually done what I asked of them and I can relax. I never feel comfortable asking people to do favors which require me to rely on their word. On the off occasions I’ve asked someone to drop something in the mail for me, I’ve followed up to confirm the favor has been completed.  

Nothing says” I don’t trust you “  than a whole line of questioning about the completion of a favor.

 “ Did you mail that package? Oh great! Thank you so much, did you mail it at the post office or at  a mailbox? Oh yeah no- no a mailbox is cool. Did you notice the mail pick up times? No no of course I believe you, c’mon! I just heard there was a postal truck incident and…….. ”

It goes the other way too. When I do a favor for someone, I always call and let them know it’s done.

“You know how last time we hung out you said “ Do me a favor will ya, leave me alone for a couple of days” welllll its been a couple of dayyyyyyyyyyss “

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com