BLONDE LOGIC

Caged Comedy

 

My mother left me a voicemail yesterday “Call me back as soon as you can, I’ll be quick”

 

It sparked my curiosity as my mother will go to any length to parlay a one minute phone conversation into an endless barrage of questions about anything from historical incidents, random ruminations, or unreasonable hypotheticals, giving it her all to be engaging and inquisitive while she conspicuously waits for another call so she can keep her phone chatter going for a marathon time.

 

Mom: “ The UFC guys are in Boston this weekend. Do you know about these guys? They  fight in cages?”

 

Me: “ Not really. I mean I know of them …’

 

Mom: “Well, they are a big deal. People are coming to Boston from all over to see them. They’re at the GARDEN”

 

The Garden is the biggest deal in town.

 

Mom: “They get in cages and fight.  Try to kill each other with their hands I heard. Bunch of animals, don’t ya think?  Anyway people LOVE  the cage bit.  … YOU should perform in a cage.”

 

Me: “ Mum, stop! ”

 

Mom:” What? You’d get on all the tv shows. Comic in a cage. People would love it. Your slogan could be “so funny we had to put her behind bars” . I think it would work.”

 

Me:” Yeah maybe I could have four shirtless men carry the cage on stage and I could be inside in some sort of  Tarzan get up, eating big Flintstone size turkey thighs off the bone, ranting and raving  the whole time”

 

Mom:” Nah….. I don’t think you should eat in the cage, it’ll be distracting. Unless you were gonna offer thighs to everyone”

 

Me: “ I gotta go”

 

Mom: “ Alright, I emailed you a picture of a cage performer so you can see”

 

Me: “ Great. Thanks. I’ll talk to you later”

 

Mom: “What time?”

 

 

Kendra the Caged Comic coming to an unsuspecting bar room near you.

 

Please don’t feed the comic.

 

 

 

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

SINKING SHIP

I’m looking for a job with behavioral restrictions.  I’ve been bartending and doing stand up for almost three years now. I can show up at either job, drunk with five of my friends and nobody gives a shit. I need a job where I can sit alone and sober up .

 

Human resource personnel need some training in how to handle stand up comics in interviews.  When they learn I perform stand up , they either start reminiscing about the days when they dabbled in some sort of comedy, usually improv. “ Oh God comedy, yeah, I was big into the improv scene in college. Head of my troupe, sketch writing, all sorts of characters, great fun but then, well, you know, you grow up.”  ended with a clenched teeth smile.

 

Or they act like I’m a total nutjob just out on a day pass, harassing any Human Resources person who will agree to meet. “ So you perform stand up comedy? Wow. Ok. So. Hmmm. You’re a stand up comic but you want to work here and be responsible and reliable and punctual? So you think your joke telling experience qualifies you to crunch numbers with accuracy and participate in important business conversations, maybe even make profitable, money making decisions? If you’d just give me a minute I think my associate should be in on this meeting.”

They’re reaching around under their desk for an emergency help button.

 

If I said I was a singer or an actress it’s a whole different ballgame. People seem to understand those choices but stand up comedy, you’re labeled as a loose cannon. A loose cannon with poor decision making skills.

 

It is true, stand up comics are like the Mexican day workers of the entertainment industry.  We’re all standing around waiting for someone to offer us a spot and when they do, we go, no questions asked.

 

Booker: “Ok your gonna be performing on this sinking ship over here”

Comic: “ Cool I got some drowning bits I wanna try out”

Booker: “ As you can see, the people are fleeing for their life, the challenge here is to get them to stay for the show”

Comic:” yeah- sure- crowd work -no problem.”

Booker:” Now, there’s no budget for this gig so its unpaid but the good news is, I need an opening act for a rock fight in Alabama………. ”

 

Often times paying gigs are paid in cash. It’s as if the booker doesn’t want a paper trail you were ever there. “Now here’s a couple of bucks. Let’s keep this between me and you, ok kid? If you tell anyone I let you perform here, I’m gonna deny it, ya hear me?”

 

 

The denial goes both ways. Many times I want to deny my set even took place at all. Last week I had a gig in Fire Island. Part of  a drag show. I followed a very believable Lucille Ball who did a ten minute spot on, perfect impersonation of Lucy. The crowd went wild.

MC:“Let’s here it for Lucy!”

Crowd: “woo hooo yay  ENCORE! ENCORE! ENCORE!

MC: “ and now, a lady who doesn’t appreciate the magic of makeup, wardrobe, or womanhood in general—Kendra, a heterosexual,  will tell some jokes in jeans and an ill-fitted blouse without eye shadow or a musical accompaniment-enjoy”

I slouch my way to the firing rang.

 

I got free shots of Jagermeister before, during, and after the show.

 

No salary cap.

 

I miss this guy!

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk, trouble is I can't remember if it was the 13th or 14th drink that did it"

George Burns

 

 

 

 

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
George Burns

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

Hand Held Machinery

Last week, I reluctantly agreed to receive the services of a student at the NYU School of Dentistry. The poorer I get, the less respect I have for myself.

They made me sign forms stating that I had been informed that an inexperienced person would be putting hand held machinery in my mouth.

 

Then I had to sit with a counselor who said, “Welcome to NYU School of Dentistry.  Believe me, you are not the only one second- guessing your decision to be here today. I feel confident saying that all of the student dentists are nervous wrecks who are riddled with self doubt. Especially the English is a Second Language students! They are…………Well, the good news is, if these kids fuck up bad they’ll probably take a running leap off the side of the building while you’re still in the chair. Oh-kaaaaaaay, I think that is IT.”

 

I was assigned to Suki, a 23 year-old Asian female who slowly and carefully drilled a hole in my tooth while maintaining a one inch distance from my face, making confused grimaces, and muttering incessantly in an unidentified language. Oh yeah – every once in a while she’d say, “OK I be right back,” and run off to get direction from a superior.

 

I wanted to suggest they blindfold the patients so they don’t have to witness the emotional reactions of the student dentists’ hands-on training. But Suki had been overzealous about the whole Novacaine thing, and had stuck me a good five times before she felt confident I was numb, thereby ruining my ability to voice any complaint.

 

She told me I was a good patient. Without skipping a beat, I said, “Really? What about me makes me a good patient?”  I have never met a compliment I didn’t want to know more about. Compliments make me curious. I wanted to make sure she hadn’t just thrown that out as some sort of chairside pleasantry. “You calm and patient. Some people, they… [laughs with trepidation] they mean and they not nice. You nice.”

 

I was not flattered. It’s not often I’m unsatisfied with a compliment, but “calm-patient-nice?” Yawn.  I don’t know what I was expecting. She doesn’t even know me. I am file number 87435 with bicuspid decay. End of story.

 

We’ll never be friends.

She doesn’t seem like much of a drinker.

Not like Long Duk Dong.

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dress Angst

  

 

I’ve been wearing dresses lately. Mostly because of the heat but also because the last time I tried to prompt compliments by saying “ Do you like my new Red Sox shirt? ” a male responded “I like it but I wouldn’t say it’s hot. I mean, you don’t look like a woman trying to meet a man. You look more like a woman a guy could  bum a cigarette off of or get the score of the game from. “ 

“ Both great ways to meet a man” I retorted and pretended to get a text.

I feel funny wearing dresses. I think of dresses as event attire. I get dress anxiety. I wear a dress and I spend half the day wondering if somebody  is gonna ask me to dance, or hand me a diploma. I’m used to wearing a lot of clothes. Tshirt, hoodie, jeans with a purely decorative belt. I can’t remember the last time I wore pants so big I needed a belt. I don’t know if I ever have. The point is I’m usually dressed for a defensive game of strip poker.

For a girl who likes the layered look, a dress is a vulnerable choice in clothing.

My mother thinks wearing a dress is  both seasonal and intriguing. “ A dress is a great seasonal way to change your look andddd it makes people wonder what you’re up to. A little mystery never hurt a gal. Let them think you’re late to a dance.  ”

‘ A dance? Sock hops are outdated Mum. At least give me an unannounced  Sha Na Na concert? Maybe a paid spot at the  Knights of Columbus? Still less than intriguing. Maybe I’ll start packin’ heat. That would turn some heads.“

My mother has a definite summer style, lots of white on white with navy blue fitted blazers that have gold buttons and ornate gold crests and, sometimes, gold piping or tassles. She looks like a Julie McCoy impersonator.

Now that’s intriguing.

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

MAD MOM

 

My mother in twenty years
 

 

My mother has a very fun loving and consistent personality. Every few months she goes through a phase where a common occurrence pisses her right the fuck off. For instance, if a stranger can’t supply her with the information she needs, such as directions. That may just send her into a tizzy. Once she asked a pedestrian  for directions to Best Buy.

Mom:” Excuse me. Hello there. Which way is the Best Buy?”

Pedestrian:” Um I don’t know”

Mom:” You don’t know where the Best Buy is ?”

Pedestrian:” No”

Mom:” Do you live around here? Or you just come to this neighborhood to walk around  and act like you know the area? ”

Me:” Mom C’mon let’s go. The Best Buy can’t be hard to find”

She peels off.

Mom:” What a jackass. Walking around like he knows everything. He doesn’t know shit. Imbecile I tell ya. That guy was an imbecile. They’re all over. Just my luck the one person I choose to talk to is a moron. Oh there it is. Best Buy. I should go back and..”

Me:” No! You shouldn’t. Just park the car.”

Mom:” They better have what I need. “

Me:’ Oh boy! Here we go.  Can I wait in the car?”

Mom:” What are you nuts? Your comin’ in!”

 

As quickly as she gets riled up, she simmers right back down. Yesterday she called me from the road. She had been visiting friends in New Jersey.

Mom:” We had a blast. Sharkey jumped right on my head …….static static static ”

Me:” You cut out on me. Who jumped on your head?”

Mom:” You can’t hear me? How come you always have a hard time hearing me? Everybody else.. they hear me. You, there’s always a problem. “

Me:” I heard “ Sharkey jumped right on my head” and then you cut out. “

Mom:” ahhahah SHARKEY THE DOG JUMPED ON MY HEAD WHILE I WAS IN THE POOL“

ME:” OK. I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.”

Mom:” Well, it was funny. To have a dog jump on your head, that’s funny. He is the  cutest little dog.  But he didn’t pay me much mind besides the accidental head humping. Too busy playing with these two balls they gave him. And a stick he found.  I finally sat on his balls and his stick to try to get him to pay attention to me.”

Me:” You sat on his balls and his stick to try to get his attention? “

So that’s where I get it from.

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

MAD MOM

 

My mother in twenty years
 

 

My mother has a very fun loving and consistent personality. Every few months she goes through a phase where a common occurrence pisses her right the fuck off. For instance, if a stranger can’t supply her with the information she needs, such as directions. That may just send her into a tizzy. Once she asked a pedestrian  for directions to Best Buy.

Mom:” Excuse me. Hello there. Which way is the Best Buy?”

Pedestrian:” Um I don’t know”

Mom:” You don’t know where the Best Buy is ?”

Pedestrian:” No”

Mom:” Do you live around here? Or you just come to this neighborhood to walk around  and act like you know the area? ”

Me:” Mom C’mon let’s go. The Best Buy can’t be hard to find”

She peels off.

Mom:” What a jackass. Walking around like he knows everything. He doesn’t know shit. Imbecile I tell ya. That guy was an imbecile. They’re all over. Just my luck the one person I choose to talk to is a moron. Oh there it is. Best Buy. I should go back and..”

Me:” No! You shouldn’t. Just park the car.”

Mom:” They better have what I need. “

Me:’ Oh boy! Here we go.  Can I wait in the car?”

Mom:” What are you nuts? Your comin’ in!”

 

As quickly as she gets riled up, she simmers right back down. Yesterday she called me from the road. She had been visiting friends in New Jersey.

Mom:” We had a blast. Sharkey jumped right on my head …….static static static ”

Me:” You cut out on me. Who jumped on your head?”

Mom:” You can’t hear me? How come you always have a hard time hearing me? Everybody else.. they hear me. You, there’s always a problem. “

Me:” I heard “ Sharkey jumped right on my head” and then you cut out. “

Mom:” ahhahah SHARKEY THE DOG JUMPED ON MY HEAD WHILE I WAS IN THE POOL“

ME:” OK. I CAN HEAR YOU NOW.”

Mom:” Well, it was funny. To have a dog jump on your head, that’s funny. He is the  cutest little dog.  But he didn’t pay me much mind besides the accidental head humping. Too busy playing with these two balls they gave him. And a stick he found.  I finally sat on his balls and his stick to try to get him to pay attention to me.”

Me:” You sat on his balls and his stick to try to get his attention? “

So that’s where I get it from.

 

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com