BLONDE LOGIC

Someone Took It

 

I’m not good at finding things. I am a horrible looker. If something is not in plain sight: I can’t find it and if I can’t find it, “someone took it”.

This ‘SOMEONE TOOK IT’  conclusion has worn off on my sister. Last week she asked me  ( accusingly)  if I had her high falutin’ designer name sunglasses.

HER: “Did you take my Ray – Bans?”

ME: “No. I have my own sunglasses”

HER:”Well maybe  my Ray-Bans are in one of your half a dozen sunglass cases piled up on the counter? Can you look? And not like you usually look.”

 

Days later I received this text. You’ll notice a big change in tone and an attempt to butter me up by mixing  a compliment in – my pile is now referred to as “organized pile”. I did clean up my area.

HER: ”Can you please look through your organized pile of stuff and see if my Ray-Bans are there? Maybe in that red beach bag you brought to Montauk? They are prescription and expensive and my favorites. ”

ME: ”I can’t find them. Did you get my email?  Did you take a brand new tube of toothpaste from the bathroom? I just bought a new tube when I went to Montauk and it’s gone.”

HER: ” I already emailed  you about your stinking toothpaste . I didn’t take. I never saw your fancy new tube. Why would I take? Please do more than scan and eyeball your stuff. These sunglasses are important to me”

ME:”I didn’t get the email. I did a great job looking . You should  have seen me. I had  a photo of you in your Ray- Bans like a missing person search. Still couldn’t find. Maybe we  look  for a  Ray-Ban wearing toothpaste thief.”

No response.

I bought more toothpaste.

I did unintentionally find my favorite pair of sweatpants . They were missing for almost two years. I thought about them every now and then and silently blamed the laundry ladies for putting them in someone else’s bag. Then, they just reappeared in a pile of stuff. To celebrate, I wore them for a good five days in a row. I told people about them and how I thought they were gone forever. They are nothing to look at but I love those sweat pants. If they were a guy I would make it out with them. Even if it was against their will.

Brute Force- my favorite aphrodisiac.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Platform Plunge

 

I wasted too much time Saturday contemplating walking two blocks to Dunkin Donuts in my pink sateen robe.  I kept thinking “Well, it’s not against the law” .

I used to think my decision discernment was a lot more penetrating than simply

“ Can I go to jail for this?”.

 

A lot of my decisions have been clothing related lately. Between the heat and perpetually trying to recreate myself fashion wise, a lot more time has been going into “getting ready”.

 

Last week I went out on a limb and wore some humongous platform shoes with a dress. They did not scream “legally insane”  but whispered “temporary mental impairment” . Two hours later I fell down the stairs at O’Flaherty’s Ale house, sober. Some people said I took a header.There was physical lashing about and  horrified bewilderment. I don't know one word that conveys both things.I ended up with purple and yellow bruises all over my right arm prompting lots of unsolicited conversations which allowed me to repetitively say “ you should see the other guy” .

 

The bruises are so interesting and oddly positioned that people insisted on knowing what happened. Some of the more memorable comments:

 

“Did someone bigger than you and stronger than you  grab you and shake you around?”  asked with oddly revealing hope and excitement

 

“ Did you get hit by a baseball?”   asked as if it was a charades game and he knew this wasn’t the winning answer  but he was just narrowing the odds

 

“That’s totally fake” Hater!

 

I really didn’t feel like telling the truth “ I took a  long shot and wore  some Harajuku platforms in an attempt to be Gwen Stafani fabulous without considering the safety factors involved. I got these bruises flailing around with terror as I tumbled down some cement stairs. I then spent the next two hours drinking vodka sodas and taking pictures externally, and internally wondering if I am going to ultimately die in an embarrassing self constructed situation.”

 

There should be some sort of safety instruction requirement on platform shoes:

 

“ These shoes are best used for fully staffed  photo shoots or  in fabricated lounging scenarios coupled with boy shorts and a visit from your favorite carpenter. If an attempt is made to utilize as functional footwear,the staff at Harajuku suggests pairing your new platforms with a padded suit! "

 

 

 

These are the actual shoes

They are bigger in real life

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

The Park is Closed

This past weekend I saw seven women sitting in a circle in the park, each holding an infant. It’s a small park in Cobble Hill, where seven women make up the majority of  the total park dwellers. My sister and I were cutting through the park in order to get to some lunch place that was rumored to have especially delicious BLT’s with advocado – playfully named BLAT’s. I was tempted to approach them and do a little investigative journalism to see who was responsible for coordinating such a lame outing, but a few of them had their tits out and I’m super competitive.

 

Instead I observed them in their unnatural habitat and  hypothesized that one of those women made a decision to find and unite a group of women that had experienced an extremely similar year. They could rehash how they found out they were pregnant last August, causing them to stay with that son of a bitch who still talks about video games; how they really started showing at Christmas, and had their oh-so-fun baby shower celebration in March.

 

I could never coordinate a group like that. I could never find six other women who were five months celibate last August, causing them to fudge their strict personal rules regarding standup comic hook-ups; who stopped paying their credit cards right after Christmas, took a 17-day break from beer in March, and despite the economic appeal, who refuse to go to the park and sit in a circle with members of the same sex. The opposite sex? A different story.

 

I don’t want to meet people taking the exact same path as me. I’m pretty sure I’m heading to  in the wrong direction. 

The best I can hope for is to keep clear of  the side of the cliff.

 

Never mind the whole “Let’s meet in the park!” aspect of that scenario. You just had a baby. Treat yourself better. Get a lounge chair, for Christ’s sake. I would have a lot of respect for seven new moms sitting in full length lounge chairs in a pseudo park. If I had just had a baby I wouldn’t go outside and sit. I’d be on self directed bed rest until the kid could walk and use the toilet. Advice to new moms: lay down. Indoors.

 

Then again, I have never been a park person. I can safely say I have never asked anyone, “Do you want to go sit in the park?”. Grass is uncomfortable.

 

If a guy I wanted to do it with asked me to go to the park, I’d say, “No, call me when you’ve outgrown your love of sitting on enormous lawns or, better yet, call me after sundown, when the park it closed. Then I’ll go to the park. Where I come from, the park is for parking.”

 

I’m a “The Park is Closed” type of gal.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Eating Bon Bons?

My mother has started every one of our phone conversations this week with some sort of verbal jab.

One day I was listening to “Crazy” sung by the Kills when she  called.

Me: “Hi Mom”

Her: “ That’s some awfully romantic music your listening to. Well well well you really know how to enjoy yourself don’t you? What are you doing over there? Eating bon bons? Your supposed to have someone feed you those things( breaks into laughter)”

Me: “ It’s not romantic Mom. It’s the Kills”

Her:” The Kills? What sort of name is that? What are they saying they’re gonna Kill you if you don’t like the music? ( breaks into laughter)”

I turn the music off.

 

This morning.

I’m watching TV when she calls.

Me:”Gooooooooood morning”

Her:”Who is that? Do you have someone over there? I heard a man’s voice!” 

Me: (annoyed) “No Mum, there is no man here. It’s the tv”

Her: “ I know! I’m kidding.  I know there is no man there. It’s no man’s land”

( breaks into laughter)

I turn the tv off.

 

She spends the next ten minutes talking about Facebook.

“I don’t think that so and so is so funny. Listen to what they wrote. Kinda stupid if you ask me”

“Oh look you changed your picture and you posted” Just found a pack of Starkist Lemon and Pepper Tuna in the fridge-with an expiration date of October 2008 - another impulse buy” Now that’s not funny. That’s disgusting. Makes me sick.”

And then she read me every posting made on some guy’s page that she knows from Florida, laughing all the way.

“Mom, won’t you get in trouble for laughing so loud at work?”

“ Oh please! This place is a ghost town. I’m going batty over here. I am! I’m losin it”

Eventually she got another call and disconnected me because she still “can’t figure out the friggin call waiting”

Which is pretty much the ONLY way to get off the phone with my mother

Pray she gets another call.

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aggressive Cleavage

Memorial Day weekend my friend gave me a big “ You need a man. Go get ‘em” pep talk. She convinced me I needed to do two things to have some summer loving. One, “ You have nice boobs! You need to flaunt them. Get some cleavage shirts”. Two,” You’re not aggressive enough. If you like someone, be bold. Let them know”.  I tried both.

Cleavage

Showing a lot of cleavage in public makes me behave in a desperately aggressive manner. I turn into a no nonsense salesperson, pestering guys, chest out  “ You guys see anything you like, you let me know. Take some time to look around, let me know if you have any questions” seconds later “  Ok, ok .. what do I have to do to get YOU in MY pants TONIGHT? ”

Guys are cashing out and fleeing the bar.

It’s like a Kendra Cunningham Fire Sale. Everything must go.

Guys are choosing prospective talent over veteran players nowadays.

I can’t give this stuff away.

Bold

I did have a man in my bedroom about a month ago. Ok -32 days ago. He put my air conditioning in my bedroom window for me. We had some flirtatious text interactions. I thought I would be bold and I tried to entice him back, playfully, by texting him something along the lines of “ Thanks for putting in my AC. You are entitled to visiting priviledges” to which he responded …………….NOTHING. No response. Ever. That was 8 days ago. That’s too long to keep the ball in your court. The ball is in play, pass it. Nobody likes a ball hog.

I would understand a  “not interested” “got back together with my girlfriend” or “put off by food stained duvet and evidence of general slobbiness” whatever it is, it’s clear via the “no response “choice, but c’mon you can’t string me along for Christ’s sake? You can’t lead me to believe you’r interested even if you’r not? You can’t do that for me?  Whatever happened to toying with people’s emotions? Head games?  Prolonging the definitive end? Make believe. Pretend.  

 

Anyway, I have a whole seasons worth of cleavage tops  I’ll try to work with , aiming for a contained enthusiasm.

Alternating with t-shirts and despondency.  

My comfort zone.

 

Thanks for listening

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com