BLONDE LOGIC

JUICY GUILT

I went to visit my mother 2 weeks ago for 5 days. Everytime I go to visit she calls me up and asks if there is anything special I want at the supermarket. Sometimes I ask for things I shouldn’t have like Cheez Its and bologna and then I get to wonder if they will actually be there when I arrive. This time I asked for orange juice because I had been battling a cold. My mother hates orange juice and I know that  about her but it doesn’t stop her from telling me about it everytime the subject of orange juice is brought up. 

“ It just makes me sick, that stuff. Oranges, I love. Orange juice, eh. Just thinking about it turns my stomach. Acidic is what it is. I’m surprised you kids like it. To each his own I suppose. Ok I’ll get ya some orange juice anything else you want that makes me nauseous and queasy? You want  s quart of   cow brains  or some little pigs feet? You want to really make your mother sick? Maybe something with a putrid odor?”

She bought me a dozen single size serving Tropicana orange juices. I drank two. Yesterday I was talking to her on the phone and mentioned I was going to buy some fresh orange juice for my cold and guess what ? Her purchase of excess orange juice is still an open wound.

 “ Kendra, now really, are you gonna drink that juice because I got ten single servings of Tropicana that says you won’t. Why buy more juice. You have juice here. I should send you a picture of all this juice.   Are you gonna be back before June 7^th?  because all these little juices will go bad. Should I just throw them out now so I don’t have to get sick every    single   time I open the refrigerator? Maybe I’ll send them to you. It’s such a WASTE. This orange juice purchase I made. It makes me sick. It really does.”

 

I convinced her not to mail me the juice.

She’s pretty sure if she freezes it, it will stay “good”  and she’ll bring it to me at my show in Boston June 12^th.

“remind me!” she said

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

Calligraphy Slave Labor

A family friend I have not seen in forever texted me last week:

“Hey I got a wedding Thursday June 17^th,  want to come to Boston and be my date?”

I wanted to text:

“That depends, can  I  buy a new expensive dress that won’t fit me quite right  and then spend the night  meeting  a boatload of people I will never see again even though I  will reveal a lot of information about myself  to them in a short period of time including:

Where I’m from, where my family is currently, what I do, what I used to do, what I want to do, my relationship (status, history, and wants), kids, marriage, money, hopes, dreams, disappointments

Is that the offer? When I get there, can swig champagne out of the bottle and pound a numerous variety of  drinks in succession so I can convince myself that my 80’s foot shuffling dance techniques  trump  any 22 year old droppin it like it's hot repertoire? Kick my shoes off and just have some good old fashioned fun celebrating the most important day in a complete and utter  stranger’s  life, all before I have to jump back on a BUS  to New York less than 24 hours later?”

What I did text:

“ I respectfully decline”

I don’t even want to go to weddings I’M invited to. Wedding throwers should get a little video clip of the moment invitees receive the wedding invitation in the mail. It would look like this:

Person rifling through pile of mail comes across a high quality paper envelope addressed with Old English Calligraphy. A wedding invitation. Only lovebirds like the looks of calligraphy.

“C’mon, what the hell is this ? You gotta be shitting me”

Throwing head back

“Noooooooooo nooooooooooooooo nooooooooooooooo I don’t want to go.”

Ripping it open

“ No I don’t want to bring a guest. I don’t have a guest. If I had a guest I would definitely be busy  on a vacation with my guest on the very date your getting married. Or my guest would be having a surgery the week prior, forcing us to pass. Maybe me and my guest would be in a third world country doing good stuff for helpless people. We’d definitely be too  busy. We’d be a very busy couple. ”

Don’t invite me. It’s like a personal challenge “ Hey you got 6 weeks to find a guy to ask out on a formal date that will last approximately 10 hours  in another state  – good luck! And.. oh yeah, it’ll cost you AT LEAST 500 bucks. Here is a link to our gift registry. There is a small viewing charge and then a hundred dollar minimum.  You’re really important to us! Even though we sent the invitation to an apartment you haven’t lived in for years and invited you with a guest despite the fact  you have had nothing but meaningless passing flings for the past two years. Two years, the exact length of time it took us to meet, fall in love, and decide to spend the rest of our lives together, what a coincidence!”

 

 
Wedding invitation slave labor  

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Quick Question

Today I was trying to wrap up a phone conversation with my mother when she said “ Oh,one more quick question” 

 

My mother HATES to get off the phone. She is the type that will say “ Hold on a sec? Thanks” and then proceed to check out  a hoarder’s worth of food at the grocery store all the while chatting away with the check out clerk, keeping you  waiting in limbo, listening to random facts about the quality of cauliflower offered and my mother’s favorite type of orange. Then have the “nice guy” at the store take her bags out to the car and load them in  the trunk, telling him all about her daughters who live in Brooklyn, but a nice section, and how she might just move there but – oh boy- she’s kidding! She doesn’t want to move again, for Christ’s sake she just moved back from West Palm two years ago. She hates to move. Then I hear the car start up and “click” she hangs up the phone. She’s forgotten I’m “holding on for a sec” and she’s wondering why the hell her piece of shit phone was all lit up like there was someone on there.

Her quick question was this “ you know Caron who has the son who is a cop in Greenpoint? He has a girlfriend. Too bad. I mean too bad because you two are both in New York and around the same age and …. Well he has a girlfriend. She went to visit him this weekend and they went to the WATERFRONT? In BROOKLYN? I’m confused. Have I BEEN there? Where would that be? She said there was CONSTRUCTION going on? Do you know where there is CONSTRUCTION going on in BROOKLYN on the WATER? I’m wondering if I’ve been there. She said there was construction like they were building something. Where is the WATER in Brooklyn? ”

I replied” I think they are building a new park in Dumbo and maybe they are building stuff on the Piers.”

Silence. “The Piers. Have I been to the piers?”

Me: “No, Mom, I don’t think I have brought you to the Piers”

Her: “Well ..next time. Next time I come to visit I want to go to the Piers. I want to see the construction.”

Me:”well you’ll have to let me know in advance so I can go scouting construction sites for you Ma”

Her:” Now THAT is not a bad idea. You might meet some people. “

Me: “ ok Mum. Talk to you later”

Her:” can I look at the Piers on the line?”

Sometimes she refers to being online as being on the line.  I think she does it on purpose with the hopes I  will correct her and extend conversation time.

I didn’t.

I asked her to hold on a sec and then I hung up.

She called back to make sure I was OK.

With one more question.

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Poppin' Traps

I spent a good portion of the day thinking about the skinny people I know. People who are naturally skinny. They eat and drink and do absolutely nothing athletic but the opposite sex always finds them entrancing. It’s infuriating. I mentioned this to a friend and she said “yeah but if you were one of those skinny chicks you wouldn’t have your personality”    Now I’m the chick with the good personality. Kiss of death.

I go to the gym regularly, mostly to prevent obesity. I don’t go to the gym thinking I am going to get skinny. I go to maintain chubby. I just don’t want to cross the line to fat. I know guys who are into fat chicks. They’re weird.  I like the chubscouts myself. My sister claims I don’t have a firm grasp on the difference between chubby and fat. She thinks a guy I dated last year should be classified as fat. Whatever. Guys get bloated too.

I went to the gym today for one half of an hour. Whoopee ding dong . I have a friend who can run on the treadmill for a half an hour and her ass pops  half way up her back. It’s genetics. I know another girl who does twenty sit ups in January and she’s walking around in half shirts until St Paddy’s Day. I got none of that. I got nice traps. Traps are the muscles at the back of the neck attached to the shoulder. They are the muscles that made the Incredible Hulk hulky. That’s the naturally toned muscle I got. I pick up a tuna sandwich and they pop. My shirt tears and people scatter.

I know people at the gym. I never wanted to be that person. I’m not in the clique though. They all peacock around with their protein drinks, fresh juice and fake tans. I’m swallowing my last bite of a cinnamon bun adlibbing about what work out I’m gonna do. I never have a plan. I think they know that. In fact I sometimes wonder what they say about me. I’m sure they’re like :

“Why do you think she even comes here? I mean obviously she’s not serious about getting in shape.”

“ Yeah.  She’s been coming here for years and she still looks pretty much the same.”

“ Nobody ever hooks up with her  so it’s not that.”

“She’s so pale. “

“I heard she’s into fat guys!”

 

 It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be them.  I don’t want to change my diet. I don’t want to count calories and worry about food groups. Today I ate an apple. That is the first piece of purely nutritional food I have had in a week. I shit you not. I have had a lot of food in the past week: buffalo chicken fingers, a muffalletta, eggplant parmesan sub, pizza, red curry thai, a bacon egg and cheese, but I have not had one salad. Not one. I don’t want to eat like them.  I do want to eat better. Just not perfectly.

And I do miss tanning.

 Is this what you're supposed to do in tanning beds? I did it wrong !!
 
 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

Mom Rant

 

My mother in twenty years. 

 

 I got to Boston on  Monday and my mother was in rare form. From the moment she picked me up from the bus she was nonstop. She pulled up to South Station, I opened the door to the car and it started like this:

“I just got your voicemail. I don’t know about this phone. I’m sitting right here and it goes into voicemail? (shaking the phone at me) This is not a phone it’s a piece of shit. The guy at the store really saw me coming. I popped the trunk.  C’mon!  Let’s go! Let’s go! This guy is right on my bumper waiting for this spot. Calm it down mister!”

It was good five minutes before she asked “ So  how are you? Did you sleep?”

My answer was interrupted with “ Look at this guy! What am I invisible? I guess I’m Casper the ghost over here because this guy doesn’t even see me. Yeah just call me Casper. For Christ’s sake, I gotta get off the expressway. Look at this truck! Have you ever seen a truck so big chugging along ? They should have their own streets. It’s not right to just have them here with the regular cars.  And the drivers are so cocky. You ever really look at a truck driver? They’re always looking down at you, all condescending. I’m like “big whoop, you’re a truck driver” ya know? “

When we sat down to lunch, I said “ You seem a little irritable. Have you been exercising at all?”

She snapped “what are you The Workout Guru?” and shoved a heavily buttered piece of bread in her mouth and kept on with a mouthful  “ You come to Boston to investigate my work out habits? Give me a break”.  I cried laughing.

Later we were playing scrabble at the kitchen table and I noticed a new calendar on the door.

Me: “Mom does that calendar have a naked man on it?”

Mom: “Yeah. They’re all naked. But you can’t even see anything.  Big whoop.”

Me: “I never knew you were into nudie calendars”

Mom: “Well, now you know”

And she laid down a triple word score.

Thanks for listening!

Kisses- Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

Childish Dialogue

Most of my friends from Boston have kids. The only time I am around kids is when I go home to visit. I don’t know if I would make a good mother. I can’t talk to kids.  It drives me nuts that they ask questions that they can’t possibly understand the answer to.

They think every adult has kids.

Kid :” where are your kids?”

Me: “ I don’t have any”

Kid: " WHY?” 

Me, answering honestly :“ I’ve gotten away with so much,  I think it would give God a perfect opportunity to punish me for the rest of my life”

Kid with a blank look: “you want to build a fort?”

Me: ”only if my input is valued, last time we didn’t use any of my ideas”

Kid decides to look for new , easy going, fun people to play.

 

The new one is

Kid:“how come you don’t have a husband?”

Me: “because I believe everybody deserves to be happy”

Kid struggling to keep practicing his language skills: “auntie Kendra…”

Me, interrupting : “ I’m not your aunt, I’m your mother’s friend.

Kid runs away

 

The best one so far:

Kid: “ where do you work?”

Me:” In New York”

Kid: “ whats a boob job?”

Me: “ um I don’t know”

Kid” “My dad said he thought you had a boob job but my mom said no”

Me: “ no I don’t have a boob job”

Kid: “ what kind of job do you have?”

Me: “ a shitty one”

Kid: “ that’s a bad word”

Me: “ oh please give me a break”

Kid becomes very interested in something across the room and waddles away.

 

I always end up in the kids free area of the backyard near the grill and cooler, patting the dog.

Wondering why my friend’s husband said I had a boob job.

Rationalizing it in my favor “ I guess my boobs look unusually good in this tight, low cut, not really made for a family party, shirt!”

Good to know.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

 

 Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Optimal Chance

I keep getting texts and emails from people saying “Call me when you get a chance” . It sends me through the roof.

When I get a chance why should I pick up the phone and call you when you clearly just had a chance and opted to use that chance to instruct me what to do with my chance? You could have used your chance to call me and I would have never known you were the type of person who tells people what to do with their chances.

 Never mind the fact, when I get a chance, I don’t make phone calls. My list of things to do when I get a chance are a little more adventurous, if I do say so myself.

Things to do when I get a chance by Kendra Cunningham

When I get a chance I am going to travel the world taking language immersion courses in Italian, Spanish, Russian, French, maybe even Japanese because I think it’s funny to see voluptuous blonde chicks speaking Japanese.

When I get a chance I am going to budget my money and really monitor my spending so I don’t lose 50 percent of my income on disposable Forever 21 shirts and copious amounts of snacks that end up decomposing on the bottom of my purse.

When I get a chance I am going to finally learn how to put make up on.  Borderline professional make up skills so that I look totally different without make up. Like Kim Kardashian and Dita Von Teese. They always have guys doing crazy things for them and I think it has a lot to do with the theatrical make up. Or maybe hiding behind good makeup allows them to be more sexually adventurous and that’s why guys are always doing crazy things for them. Only one way to find out.

When I get a chance I’m going to learn how to put down hard wood floors. I’ve always wanted to be a hard wood floor person for a living. A hard wood floor person who owns a pizza place with a cool bar with awesome big planked unfinished red oak floors who wears crazy make up and speaks a bunch of different languages and keeps her money in stacks in her office talking on the phone to people who called her when they had a chance.

ETC.

 

There will never be an entry “ when I get a chance I am going to make phone calls to people who told me to call them”

A requested phone call is not a prudent way to use a chance.

That’s my gripe for the day. I have two more but I think I’ll save them to have something to bitch about tonight when I talk to people in person.

 

 

 Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

Misread Grimace

Saturday night a guy said to me “You have the nicest fake smile “

To which I said “ That’s strange because I have the bitchiest fake interest”  and turned away.

He was drunk enough that he kept with the whole fake smile bit “ seriously your fake smile is so nice I bet your real smile is even nicer"

 I made him imitate what he thought was my fake smile.

“That’s not my fake smile that’s my grimace”

This stupid conversation went on for far too long. He ultimately agreed that he was not an expert on my facial expressions and that I did have the bitchiest fake interest.

A friend said he was using this fake smile thing to try to flirt with me. I don’t know how to play the game. I meet a cute guy and have to stop myself from becoming  my loud mouth grandmother.  “ Look at you. You are just the cutest thing, I want to eat you alive. Tell me your name sweetheart. Logan? Logan? Kendra and Logan. Sounds good.  Oh here comes Logan and Kendra. Kendra and Logan are in a third world country building wells for people without water. Sounds like we have quite a future together sweet cheeks. Give Kendra a kiss”   I’m patting him on the ass like he’s a younger relative.

 I think I might singlehandedly bring back the whole hand on the ass thing.

People keep saying guys love the chase. I think that’s my problem. I’m not running away. My strategy is to sabotage the girls who are participating in this whole chase thing. They come running by and I’m sitting on a rock like “She went that way. She usually pretends to slip on the grassy knoll, then you can mount her from behind. At least that’s what all the other guys do”

Maybe they’ll like me because I’m useful and have information.

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com