BLONDE LOGIC

Monie Love

 

I barely talk on the phone anymore. When I do get someone on the line, the pressure is on to make the experience entertaining. My sister doesn’t like to talk on the phone so that’s a rarity. She called me the other day and I started the call with a “ my sista my sista tell me what the trouble is.” A grossly overused Monie Love call back but I’m trying to set the tone, talking on the phone can be fun.

Her  “What are you doing? “

Me “Trying to entertain myself”

Her “Are you home?’

I hate when people ask me that question. Being at home sounds so boring but I was at home. At least she didn’t ask me if I was in bed. That’s the worst.

Her”Hello?”

Me “Yeah Yeah I’m home”

Her “ Will you see if we have milk?”

Not only am I home in the middle of the day but now I’m the pseudo depressed unemployed husband whose time at home is spent doing meaningless tasks like checking on milk.

We only had a little. I hesitated to give the information because I knew the conversation would be over after that.

Her” Hello? “

Me” There’s a little”

Her “ Jeez I thought you fell asleep ”

Me” my sista my sista tell me what …” I tried  it again. I got interrupted

Her” I gotta go back to work. Get out of the house! Get some fresh air! Buy some milk! “

I hung up.

I can see when a conversation is over.My mother can never tell when a conversation is over.  To my mother, talking on the phone is all about length of time spent on the phone. There are no quick conversations. She’ll start reminiscing about other phone conversations just to keep the conversation going. “ remember that time we talked about the pizza and how hot is was we couldn’t even eat it and we laughed? Remember that?”  

Me:“do I remember the conversation about pizza? No I don’t”

Her: “it was right after..”

Me ( interrupting)” I’m not doubting the conversation happened. I totally believe you. I just don’t recall”

Her ( sing songy) : “ She doesn’t recall at all”

There  are three ways to know my mother is trying to keep you on the phone : she talks about previous conversations, she starts making  sing song rhymes, or she starts asking very specific detail oriented questions just to drag out the conversation that quite logically could have ended minutes ago.

Mum:” Ok so you’re going to the gym. Good for you. What are you gonna do there? ”

Me:” Probably run on the treadmill”

Mum:” Do you ever get scared on those things? I mean what if the speed just starts going faster and you can’t get off? You could really hurt yourself. Do you wear any sort of protection?”

Me:” Mum your being ridiculous.  I gotta go”

Mum:”Just be careful. Call me when you’re done. Are you gonna wear sneakers?”

Me:”Bye Mum”

 

My entire workout was sprinkled with mini bursts of anxiety about the speed function of the treadmill. “Is the speed picking up on this thing? No I think It’s actually slowing down. No no it’s working normal. Is my sneaker untied? Why is it so hard to get a part time job? It’s the time of year”

I forgot the milk.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

Employment Snub

Looking for a job is draining. I’ve given up on applying for legitimate jobs. Now I just apply for low level, not too much responsibility involved, fly under the radar jobs. Loser jobs. Jobs I don’t really want. Unfortunately, they don’t want me either. I can’t even get an interview for a job that pays an hourly rate. Not even a “ thanks but no thanks” response. Maybe even a “ your over qualified’ dismissal. Nothing. It has gotten to the point that my cover letters have a pleading tone to them. Normally I would say something like “ I am available for an interview at your convenience” but now  it’s more along the lines of “I don’t need an interview if you don’t. I want the job sight unseen. If I was to work for you I’d never be late or make personal calls or bitch about my job. I promise. I have a good sense of humor and I’m bored out of my mind so I’d be so very  grateful. I swear . I like coffee and I am always eager to go on coffee runs. I’m sure there are a lot of other menial tasks that I am open to but I can’t think of them right now because I feel like I should be picking out my first day of work outfit. Should I?  Sometimes I dress inappropriately, if you catch my drift. Call me. ”   I’m negotiating down. “ I know your offering ten dollars an hour, I’ll do it for nine?  I would appreciate a response either way. I got an offer at $8.75 on the table that I have to act on pronto so let’s wrap this up. You’re too smart to let this slip through your fingers” .

I’m running the risk of having my spirit broken. Everybody keeps saying “ it’s that time of year.” People use that one all year long. If you’ve been saying “ it’s that time of year” for more than two months, it’s not “that time of year” anymore, it’s the year. The whole year. I’d rather hear “ it’s this year. This year sucks.”  Then I know I have 9 more months of suckiness but when people say “it’s just that time of year” it doesn’t really allow hope or an idea of when it will be over. It’s just another conversation filler.  Just be honest. Say “ You keep talking about the same shit over and over. I don’t know what else to say about it. I don’t have a solution and I’m getting bored with your gripe so I’m just gonna use conversation fillers until you have  depleted  all  of your hopeless energy” .   Not only is that response funny but it shows you, the listener, are becoming emotionally effected by my misery and we all know misery loves company. So not only have you made the hopeless laugh, you’ve alleviated their loneliness by revealing your less than happy emotional state.

I feel better already.

If only I could get a job writing dialogue for conversation filler abusers.

I could work from my bed.

Or the bar.

Or where ever my latest crush happens to be.

But I really need benefits.

Fuck it.

 I’m getting married.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Easy Money

I got an email today with the heading “$2000”. I knew it was a scam of some sort but I opened it anyway. To my surprise it read “Hi Kendra, I work in a casting agency and I came across your headshot. I have a unique  opportunity that you may or may not be interested in. It involves a small time commitment and an open mind. Let me know if your are interested in receiving more details. Kind regards, Mark “.

My immediate thought was he was going to propose some sort of sexual activity and, to be honest, I was a little flattered with the $2000 dollar quote. I read stories about highly paid escorts and it’s usually a couple of thousand dollars a night.  I wrote back “ details please” . Simply out of curiousity. I wasn’t gonna do it.

He wanted me to go the bathroom on him. Suddenly I felt like I was getting low balled. If he had $2000 to burn then he probably had $5000. I wouldn’t even know how to negotiate something like that.

I was tempted to set up a meeting just to see what someone who pays people to go the bathroom on them  looks like but I was afraid he would be attractive and then every time I meet an attractive guy I would have to wonder if he paid people to go the bathroom on him. I’d rather imagine a heinous hideous man. Someone so ugly he has to pay people to go the bathroom on him.

Maybe it was someone I know who was curious to see if I was a freak or not. I’ve been gone for three weeks. I haven’t seen people in a while. Everyone’s a suspect. Maybe there never was $2000 dollars or a heinous man. This email proposal was taking up too much of my head space.  

I went back to bed.

The next time I got online he had written again “ Ok what about 5000?”.

I knew I was getting low balled, the cheap bastard.

Five grand is a lot of money. I wish I could have passed on the opportunity to someone. It’s easy money.

I’m too bound up.

I saw a dog take a crap today and got jealous.

 

 Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

 

TIJUCA

 

Comfort is a high priority for me. I am acutely aware of my level of comfort or discomfort at any given moment. Rio has not been a comfortable 21 days so far. It’s scorching hot and they gave us shit beds. “Welcome to Rio. Here’s a plank of wood to sleep on! You know what? Fuck it.Take two. Here’s two planks of wood to sleep on. Nighty night”

Two of the beds broke. When we told the producer he said “ No problem”.

It’s taken me three weeks to figure out “No problem” is the Brazilian equivalent of “ would you please just shut the fuck up already”.

Plastic surgery is cheap in Brazil. Even men get breast implants. There is a section where you can go and see the broke trannies who could only afford bad boob jobs. Homeless people with fake jugs. You gotta really be a tit guy to spend your last couple of bucks on a nice rack.

I can’t imagine adding more stuff to my body. I’m constantly trying to get rid of some of this stuff.

Nothing is communicated effectively to us. Our host pays no attention to detail. Yesterday he asks “ Do you want me take you to Tijuca Forest and we will walk to a water fall?” Sounds delightful.

The question should have been “Do you want to go for a rigorous 75 minute hike in flip flops where the possibility of getting separated from the group is high? After a desperate impromptu version of Marco Polo, you’ll reconnect with the only other humans in the largest urban park in the world and you will be asked to carry your shaky, dehydrated body over a series of slimy rocks into a natural waterfall whose shear force will potentially break your neck. C’mon! It’ll be fun!”

They tell us everything after the fact.

The waterfall has spiritual energy that is supposed to cleanse your soul.

I screamed bloody murder under that thing.  

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Meat Muffin

 

Everything has meat in it. Morning, noon, and night. Meat, meat, and more meat. One of my cast mates spent two days trying to get his hands on a muffin. Finally the producer/ director says he’ll get him a muffin. He comes back with something that looked vaguely like a pastry and, what a surprise, IT HAD MEAT IN THE MIDDLE. A meat muffin. I’m starting to think they are prepping us for slaughter.

If I could see all the meat I’ve eaten in the past week I’m convinced it would be a complete carcass. They could show me a picture of a small cow and say “ you ate this cow in seven days” and I would just nod my head in agreement. Looks about right.

I was on the beach yesterday and I swear my sweat smelled like grizzle.

I´m not complaining.

None of my cast mates are into the whole getting a cup of coffee process. I discovered an excuse for alone time. Plus,the guy at the coffee place looks like Fred Willard. Exactly like him. I am a huge Fred Willard fan so it´s fun to just watch him. He makes everybody laugh. I have no idea what he’s saying but he must be a really funny guy because he is consistently cracking people up. I want to bring one of the Portuguese speaking girls from the crew to act as a translator for me so we can have some witty banter but I’m afraid we’ll get there and she’ll say

” Maybe it important to tell to you. He make fun of Americans. You want to meet him?”

“ ah no. I’ll just get a coffee to go”

I wouldn´t be able to dish it out in Portuguese.

I noticed even when I’m talking to someone who can understand me, I can’t say “to go” without marching in place. I’m gonna go back to Brooklyn acting like a deaf mute. “Kendra’s back from Rio. Did you see her? I think she got in an accident or something she’s seems to have lost some language skills. And she packed on the pounds. ” I gotta get a good tan before I leave here. I good tan is slimming or at least a distraction.

I haven’t bickered with people so much in my life. The two other females in the cast are without a doubt two of the rudest people I have met in a very long time. It’s hot. I’m bloated. I have no patience for either one of them. I feel like a misogynist. One of them is often heard saying “ That’s just the type of person I am”. Whenever someone says that to me, I get suspicious. It’s always preceded by some statement about their personality that would take a long time to verify. If I had the interest.

Here is how I heard it used recently. Both statements were spoken by the same person within three days of meeting her:

“Oh yeah I have friends in Rio. I have friends everywhere. That’s just the type of person I am.”

“Oh Yeah I met Debbie Harry several times. I know a lot of famous people. That’s just the type of person I am.”

She might as well say” I don’t have faith that you will ask the appropriate questions that would allow me to reveal the most impressive aspects of myself IMMEDIATELY. I want to make it clear I am in no way, shape or form, mediocre. I am special. Therefore I do not need to participate in the normal getting- to – know you time span. I have no intention of being friends with you. I am simply looking for one more person to one up. That’s just the type of person I am.”

She bugs me.

I try to keep my distance.

Far enough away so she can’t see me mimic her every move.

I’ve gotten wicked catty in Rio.

I like it. I’m keeping it.

Consider yourself forewarned.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Size: Tranny

 

Nobody speaks English here. The only English everybody seems to know is “ No problem”.

Me “Excuse me, where is the bathroom?”

Them ( with big smile) “ No problem”

Me ( returning big smile) “ um, el bano? Donde esta el bano?”

Spanish does not work well here at all. They speak rapidly in Portugese to one another and turn back to me “ Ok ok there is no problem”

Me: “Ok Ok. If you don’t tell me where the bathroom is, I’m gonna kick your teeth in”

Them” Ok ok no problem”

It’s annoying. The whole city is in denial that there are any problems.

I’m tired of not having any time alone. The only time I get to be truly alone is in the bathroom. On set the other day I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet just to be by myself. I sat so long the motion activated light went out. Reluctantly, I put my arms over my head and moved them around until the lights went back on. I tried to ask a crew member how long it takes for the light to go out but he just said “ok no problem ”. I couldn’t come up with a charade for “ How long before the motion activated light goes out?” so I let it go. It’s not that important. I was just curious.

That’s the other thing, these Brazilians suck at Charades. Granted Charades is a game you gotta be in the mood for and nobody likes it sprung on them but come on, help a tourist out. I’m spending money here. When I am marching in place with one arm out in front of me pretending to hold a cup, I want my coffee to go. That is rudimentary. When I put my thumbs in my armpits and move my elbows up and down, I want chicken. How can you not know that? Someone could make a fortune off an international Charades manual.

There isn’t a wardrobe in place for the movie. Everyday there is a big scramble to figure out what people are gonna wear on set the next day. The wardrobe girls brought me these cool boots to wear but they didn’t zipper over my calves. Embarrassed, I asked if they could get them in a larger size. “ This is the most big. But we take you to store preferred to …..“ side bar in Portugese. I am finishing the sentence with things like “ store preferred to movie stars or royalty or carnival performers. They come back with “ the store preferred to transvestites. Ok, there is no problem”

There is a problem. I’m not going shopping in a tranny store. I don’t want to know that anything in the tranny store fits me. I don’t want the memory of browsing in the tranny store and interacting with the freaky she- he sales thing, trying to convince me the hot pink patent leather thigh highs are “ so me” .

I kinda want to go to prove that nothing fits me.

But what if I’m wrong.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Locker Room Spirit

I went to the gym today thinking I’d get one last really good workout in before I took off. I was there for seventeen minutes. There is a black guy that works there doing maintenance type stuff. He may or may not be mildly retarded or learning disabled. Every once in a while I see him greeting people with a an uninhibited enthusiasm and saying things like “ way to go . You made it to the gym today” . Most people kinda smile at him, some ignore him altogether, and others say “ thanks man”.  Sometimes I say thanks but most of the time I change directions so I avoid him altogether. The worst is when they assign him to folding towels. If you walk by and your not holding a towel, he hums a towel at you. I shit you not. Just throws it your way. Like we are in the locker room at a boxing gym or something. That’s when he bugs me. I don’t want to catch towels. Especially with no forewarning. But you have to or you look like a sore sport. He whipped a towel at me today and it almost hit me in the face. I’m so strung out about leaving that I almost snapped. I spent a good fourteen minutes wondering how much of a bitch I would look like if I complained but I knew I would end  up looking like a pussy.  “ excuse me. You know the retarded guy who works here?”

“ Um. We don’t have any retarded guys who work here.”

“ oh. Well you know the one who tries to be all coachy to people, cheering them on for coming to the gym? The one who hums towels at people? He’s a black guy?”

“Um. What happened miss?”

“He threw a towel at me and he almost hit me in the face.  I just think, ya know, he shouldn’t be in charge of the towels if he’s gonna whip them at you unexpectedly”

“ ok we’ll tell him not to throw towels. I understand how dangerous that can be”

I kept my mouth shut and went to get a sandwich. I’m so afraid they won’t have food that I like in RIo. Heavens  forbid I don’t eat seven times a day.

 I can’t eat a lot in the heat anyway.

But I did  pack snacks.

I hope I’m not the only girl who packed food.

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com