BLONDE LOGIC

Midnight Kiss

Midnight Kiss

Last night while bartending at the Brazen Head, I got in a conversation about the traditional Midnight Kiss on New Year’s Eve. I had to rack my brain to remember the last time I participated. Four years ago. I was dating the epitome of a guido and we spent New Year’s with his family. He gave me a very polite kiss on the lips when the ball dropped on tv. We had been dating for 6 months and he was the first guy I dated after I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. I knew that night it wasn’t going to work. I knew before that but he had a sick body and he called me every day. Those things were important to me at that point in my life. But he shaved his legs more often than I did and he drank protein shakes. I remember I found a fanny pack in his apartment once and I still didn’t call it off. Sometimes it’s fun to be in a relationship with someone you would normally make fun of.

Two years ago I kissed someone after midnight on New Year’s Eve but that was after I tripped and fell right in front of him on Smith Street at 3 am. I fell so hard my jeans ripped and I had skinned knees for two weeks. You really can’t go anywhere from there. Once someone sees you take a header  like that it is really difficult to regain their respect. But he was kind enough to  kiss me good night on my stoop, after he brushed some gravel from my chin.

Last year I bartended  on NYE and I was trying not to like a NYPD detective I had been involved with for almost a year. I think I texted him something witty and he responded “thanks”.  I wanted to take my text back. I spent the rest of the night trying to think of a cool but inviting response but came up with nothing. We hadn’t hooked up in 4 months. It was over but I had nothing going on. I decided it was best to be aloof. Then he would realize how he good he had it and things would really take off between us in 2009.

Well, it’s one year later and he has contacted me exactly twice.

Via text.

 After 3 am.

The sadder part is I responded. Not until the next day of course but still, I responded.

 

 

 

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

RIO

Rio

I was offered a part in a movie that films in Rio De Janiero at the end of February. When the producer told me, I was excited but also suspicious. I called my mother and told her Juan Cartez had offered me a role in  his movie. This is how the conversation went:

Mum     ” who is this guy? Do I know him?”

 Me    “ do you know the Brazilian movie producer? I don’t think so, Mum.” 

Mum “Well, I’d like to meet him”

Me     “ He cast me in a movie, he didn’t invite me to his prom”

Mum     “It would be nice if you could meet his family before you go all the way over to Europe”

Me “ Brazil is not in Europe, Mum. This isn’t an international sleep over party where you get to meet everybody’s parents, it’s a movie”

Mum “Well, for Christ’s sake, be careful. You know how those Brazilians are. That’s where the whole wax thing started”

Me “ I gotta go.”

Mum “Oh Cmon. what do you have to do?”

 

My biggest gripe about not having a convention 9-5 job is everybody thinks I have nothing to do.

 

The truth is my mother’s cagey reaction hit home. Even today I have an apprehensive attitude about the whole thing. I haven’t gotten the whole translated script yet. I am convinced it will be a totally normal storyline and then on page 72 there will be  a dream sequence in which my character blows a half dozen Brazilian movie producers. The scene doesn’t really move the story along, but the aesthetic value is integral to the movie as a whole.

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Resolutions

 

Resolutions

Every year I make the same resolutions.

    Learn Spanish

    Pay off debt

    Save money

    Get in a relationship with a man who wants to be in a relationship

I never do any of them. Driving up to Boston with my sister and her boyfriend, I told them that I was not allowed to use any of those four resolutions this year. My sister’s boyfriend said “why don’t you find a nurturing, wealthy, Spanish guy to teach you Spanish, pay off your debt, help you save money, etc. “

Why don’t I find him? That’s a good question. The better question is “why do I have to find him? Why can’t he find me?”. I don’t want to find him because it sets the precedent that I will do the majority of the frustrating work in the relationship.  A precedent I am not willing to live up to. Finding my guy is like a 57 month long game of hide and seek. I’m gonna start walking the streets screaming “ Olly olly in come free”  and see what happens. I never liked Hide and Seek as a kid.It’s an anxiety inducing game whether you are the hider or the seeker. I shouldn’t say I didn’t like it. I was conflicted. On the one hand I am super competitive and I always want to play games so I can win but on the other hand, I had come out to play with other kids not spend hours in a self induced panic attack under a pile of moth ball laden sweaters in a trunk trying not to blow my cover.

I feel like my guy is the moron kid who stays in hiding for an additional hour after the game is over and finally emerges with victorious confidence only to find everybody is two innings into a wiffle ball game and Sheazo just hit a homer which completely trumps the best hiding place from the last game.  And I’m supposed to find this guy?

I doubt I’ll ever have a conventional relationship. I know this because I was recently asked out to dinner by a man who I know through a friend. Being a single woman who spends the majority of her nights doing stand up comedy, bartending, or a combination of both, I don’t date much. Or should I say at all.  A normal female who would like to be in a relationship with a man would simply accept the invitation and follow through with optimism and enthusiasm. Not me. I immediately went into a whole explanation about how I have very little free time and quite frankly, I eat in bed quite a bit. My duvet has food stains. Mostly nacho’s and spaghetti sauce but one or two coffee spots. I basically sleep under a 42 square foot down stuffed 400 count cloth napkin. He laughed and asked if that meant I did not want to go to dinner with him.  I said I did and gave him my number. I then spent the next two hours dreading the whole process.  I’m too lazy to make the effort. Maybe I’ve just been single too long. There are many days I can be spotted walking around my neighborhood looking like a mental patient, hair a mess, visible fingerprints on my glasses, way too many colors on. I saw someone I knew the other day who literally looked concerned for my well being. “are you alright?” they asked.  “ I woke up with the tail end of  a goldfish cracker stuck to my bare buttock, I’m fine”. Things are status quo.

My resolutions for next year are very basic.

Don’t eat in bed. Or at least get a tarp to prevent further duvet staining.

Do not leave the house in clothes I would work out in unless I am actually going to work out.

Yell “ olly olly in come free”  out the window once a week and then let the whole” finding a man “ thing go

Play basketball

 

Happy New Year!

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Random info:

Where does the phrase “Olly olly in come free” come from?

Lots and lots of theories from lots and lots of sites. Most from Jesse at Random House:

1. The phrase is used in a variety of children's chasing games, especially hide-and-(go-)seek. The rough form of this game is that a player (called "it") gives other players a chance to hide, and then tries to find them. When "it" finds the first hider, he calls out some phrase indicating that the other players are "safe" to return "home," at which point the person "it" found will succeed him as "it."
The original form of the phrase was something like all in free or all's out come in free, both standing for something like all who are out can come in free. These phrases got modified to all-ee all-ee (all) in free or all-ee all-ee out(s) in free; the -ee is added, and the all is repeated, for audibility and rhythm.
From here the number of variants takes off, and we start seeing folk etymologies in various forms. The most common of these has oxen replacing out(s) in, giving all-ee all-ee oxen free; with the all-ee reinterpreted as the name Ollie, we arrive at the phrase, which, according to the Dictionary of American Regional English, is especially common in California. Norwegian settlement areas have Ole Ole Olsen's free. For the out(s) in phrase, we also see ocean, oxford, ax in, awk in, and even oops all in.

2. One guess is that the original was something like "all in free" for "all who are out can come in free", to indicate that the person who is "it" in the game of hide-and-seek has caught somebody to become the new "it", and so everybody else can come out of hiding without the risk of being caught.
Oral transmission has garbled this in fascinating ways, with all in, for example, being translated by a series of mishearings to the name Ollie (short for Oliver, once more common than it is now). And oxen may have come from an intermediate form out's in free - other recorded versions are awk in, Oxford, and ocean.
Various subscribers remember versions that suggest the first part of the catch was once something like "all of you". Charles Wilson wrote: "When I was growing up in the American South we actually said, 'All ye all ye outs in free' when playing hide-and-seek (although we called it 'hide-and-go-seek)".

3. Its root seems to be an English-Norman French-Dutch/German concoction: "Alles, Alles, in kommen frei"or "Oyez, oyez, in kommen frei!"
"Allez, allez" was a Norman addition to the English language, pronounced "ollie, ollie" and sometimes written "oyez, oyez" and meaning "everyone." "In kommen frei" was a phrase popular in Dutch/German New York and Pennsylvania, where many Zonians came from, meaning "come in free."

Personal Assistant Opportunity

Personal  Assistant

 

A temp agency emailed  me recently with a job description for a Personal Assistant opportunity they thought I might be interested in. The description went something like  this:

Work closely with successful global entrepreneur with high expectations

Responsibilities include  personal errands , administrative tasks, and scheduling travel and calendar

Coordinate with staff at various households to ensure houses are well maintained

Must have” no job is too small” attitude

Hours are flexible but must be available from 7 am to 7 pm – open availability is preferred

9 dollars an hour- non negotiable

Fluency in Japanese  and Ivy League education a plus

 

I wanted to write them back something like this:

I have two words for you- Emancipation Proclamation.

 

Let’s call a spade a spade. This guy want’s a slave. A bilingual well educated slave to do all the everyday minutia that nobody wants to do for themselves, never mind for some stranger who is driven by money and power alone.   I was tempted to schedule an interview just to meet the guy and ask really stupid questions to infuriate him. I would show up in a traditional Japanese kimono with a Harvard baseball cap. Maybe even instigate a fist fight so I could sue him and really be a thorn in his side. But I’m too lazy. I did offer to rewrite the job description for the sake of honesty.

Man  with difficult personality seeks submissive order taker

Man should be referred to as The King at all times

Applicant must be willing to agree that he is better than you and your life is worthless and uninteresting to him

Expect minimum wage and not a penny more – paid quarterly in foreign currency which will be costly to convert

Responsibilities include anything mundane, tedious, and dull

 

Knowledge of capital raising , felatio, and deep tissue massage a plus

Willingess to compromise values required

Please include official clinical diagnosis as we know only people with psych issues will be attracted to this opportunity.

 

Not only should he be embarrassed but the temp agency should be too. Is there a criteria for the employment opportunities they will try to fill? Because I want a personal assistant too!

 

Stand up comic seeks personal assistant to provide hours of reassurance, ensure boss lady wears makeup when she leaves the apartment, periodically provide random compliments, bring breakfast in bed sometime after noon, must be good secret keeper.

Applicants who like to graze preferred. All meals included and there will be a lot of them, approximately 5 a day coupled with copious amounts of alcohol. Something like a day of Pairings.

Attractive male who likes to make out and give buttock massage a plus

 

 

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

 

 

Non Drinkers Guide to Social Acceptance-- Excerpt from my mock self help book

 It’s amazing how many people go out drinking in big swinging dick mode. They like to act like going out drinking is second nature to them. They have the scene so down pat they don’t have to put any effort into it. They’re blasé and condescending and they are usually not as attractive as they think they are.  These people expect to be treated like regulars EVERY FUCKING WHERE. They can be getting their car washed and they want the special wax for the regular wax price. Just because.  They aren’t interested in befriending the bartender simply because they assume the bartender will be compelled to initiate the friendship. Just because.

But this is not a personality analysis on narcissistic alcoholics. Although that would be easy to churn out. Especially because I have a little obsession with narcissists. They are just so crazy. It’s fascinating.  I mention them because I am fairly certain they are the people responsible for inventing the Befriending the Bartender tip Number 5. The inaudible order.  Tip number 5 is

Place your orders audibly.

Mouthing your orders or using hand gestures to indicate placing an order often results in incorrect order placing, arguments with the bartender, and, ultimately, underpouring and overcharging. I agree, this sounds like such a silly scenario. But it happens. And I really think it was one condescending narcissist who did it once. Someone who bought into the narcissistic “ everybody wants to be like me “ bullshit  saw it and did it somewhere else, where someone else saw it and suddenly people just do this. I don’t think the followers do it because they think they are too imporatnat to speak to the bartender I think they do it for other reasons. Some people think because a bar is loud it is easier to attempt to mouth their order instead of yelling it and overexerting their healthy lungs and prissy vocal cords. If you don’t want to adapt to your bar surroundings you will not survive. Darwinian theories do not cease to exist within the confines of a gin joint. In fact, primal tendencies increase in an alcohol consuming environment.  I have seen people eating chicken wings like they just found a fresh carcass. Stories have been told about patrons being dragged out caveman style. OK OK I dragged a guy home caveman style once. Once.  Only because he was too big to fit in the old shopping cart I usually take them home in.

Miming and communicating like a mute are both inappropriate modes of communication in a bar. If you get tired of yelling your order to the bartender, get a friend to do it, write it down, or better yet, call it a night. If you can’t pull your weight, your dead weight .  Dead weight is not just a state of mind it’s also an energy drain, for everybody. Can’t you tell who the party pooper of the group is right away? Even if you don’t know anybody in the group, you just know. They don’t smile, they become easily annoyed when jostled, and nothing tastes right.  They  forgot their ATM card, their phone is dying, and a random spilled red wine on their new kicks. The list goes on and on. These people are prime candidates for the mime or wild hand gesture method of ordering a round. Once the bartender has procured the actual order via hostile interrogation, the dead weight drink purchaser will typically take up to five minutes to figure out his method of payment. For the love of God, be ready to initiate, except and pay for the order all in one swoop. How can you not be prepared to pay for drinks you ordered three minutes ago. The bartender went and made the drinks and came back and you just now think about the method of payment? Go home. That is all I can say. Go home. You are not ready to be a regular at a bar. That sort of stupid can’t be corrected via this little gag book. Let me guess, you carried your canoe across the river when you were a kid. And you can’t spell canoe as an adult. You have never in your life won a game of Scrabble and reading is too tedious for you. You’re the same patron who says stupid things like “ I don’t know, what should I get?” when the bartender asks you what you want to drink.

YOGI FAILINGS

YOGI FAILINGS- December 11, 2009

 

 

I’m pretty good at yoga, the physical part, but horrible at the mental part, which is where yoga can make important changes in your life. I had not been to yoga in about a month because I decided to branch out from my Brooklyn yoga studio- Mala Yoga – and try a yoga studio in Manhattan. In the  Manhattan studio I went to , when you check in they give you a number and then you go in the yoga studio and find your number on the floor and that is your spot. I found my spot and there was someone on my number. I explained to her that she was on my number and she told me I could take her number because she wanted to be next to her friend. I stood there for a second because I wanted to have the spot I was assigned to and I was much bigger than the spot stealer and her friend but  I knew better than to make a scene about a number on the floor. I was wondering if the spot stealer’s friend even wanted that type of company, the type of company that breaks the rules at the yoga studio. I found my new number only to find someone on that number too. She said she always has spot eleven and I must have the information wrong. I started to go back to the friends to confirm I was in fact looking for the correct number but the whole thing seemed tiring and silly.  Instead I went back to the front desk and asked for my money back. They made me explain my childish reason for leaving and offered to intervene and help get my spot back but I had a feeling people were already wondering who the new girl is wandering around telling people they are on her number,  so I decided to leave gracefully.

I returned to my neighborhood yoga studio this week and I spent my 90 minute yoga class internally debating whether I should get a salad or chicken tikka masala for dinner. I ended up getting both. It cost me $39 dollars to leave my apartment for two hours.

My only complaint is there are often “partner” exercises in yoga. The teacher tells you to find a “partner” to practice some yoga poses that require you to touch and sometimes, put body weight on, your new “ partner”.  I think they should be called “stranger” exercises. Let’s call a spade a spade. Not only that, I think they should tell you in advance whether  you will be expected to work with others because yoga is typically an independent experience. I’m pretty particular about whose lower back and hamstrings I touch. Especially when there is limited clothing and sweat involved.

I do believe there should be some rules in yoga.  For instance, one should not be allowed to participate in yoga class when wearing shorts and only shorts. It’s ridiculous. And it’s a distraction. It’s hard enough to stay focused without the commotion of an eighty percent naked man doing downward dog. OK. I get it. You have a nice body, whoopee ding dong. I’ve never seen anyone hook up in a yoga class. A t shirt is not much of an encumbrance.  Cover up.

Chanting should be monitored. The beginning of class usually consists of chanting three ohm’s. One guy always says “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” instead of “oooooooooooooooooooooooohhm”. I mean ALWAYS. And not once has he been reprimanded.  It’s not fair. I don’t particularly like “ohm” either. I would prefer a little staccato but guess what? I am not the founder of yoga chants. I know my place and I know how the chant goes. It’s not difficult. It’s the same sound every time. I saw that guy on the street and he said “ Hi!”. I wanted to say “don’t you mean Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”.

But I like yoga. I do.

 

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Random Man

Random Man

 

Back in Boston last week I went to dinner with my mother at a cute little restaurant in her neighborhood. Sitting at the bar, we chatted with some random people, one guy in particular spun a sad tale of woe. He had gone through a bad divorce in which his bread winner wife kicked him to the curb for a wealthy coworker and moved across country with the kids causing deep depression and isolation for this guy. He went on to say he had landed on his feet with a good job, the ability to visit his kids, and a new live in girlfriend who was better than his ex wife. My mother and I spent a good hour listening and empathizing and enjoying the conversation of a stand up guy. As the story came to a close and he was talking up his girlfriend, he ended with “ but, in the name of honesty, I’m still a man.”  “ what does that mean?”  I asked, sensing some sort of misogynistic statement was to follow. “ well, I mean , for the sake of honesty, I’m still a man. When I go out,  I like to look at other woman.”

It was all I could do not to say “ well for the sake of honesty, you’re still an UGLY man who goes out and OGLES  other woman. If you want to be brutally honest here.”  I take your dickhead statement and raise you one ruthless bitch comment.

I guess it is a man thing to be in a relationship and go out and look at other women. As a woman, when I am in a relationship and I get out, the last thing I want to do is see another man. I’m walking around like “ for the love of God stay out of my line of vision, the whole selfish bunch of ya. “  I go to a bar and sit in the corner facing the wall, summoning all my will power not to smash my head into it over and over again.

 

Thanks for listening!

Kisses-

Kendra

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com

Pats Back Down from Saints Challenge

Pats Back Down from Saints Challenge
The Pats lost to the Saints this past Monday. I’m slowly becoming responsive to my surroundings after three days of licking my -I was routing for the loser – wounds. The Saints deserved to win. They were the only team on the field who truly came to win. It was communicated through their every move. Even standing on the sidelines they looked ready to pounce. The Patriots looked like the Big Man on Campus who loses all semblance of confidence and bravado when he’s taken out of his element. They saw the Saints sportsmanship and enthusiasm, shrugged their shoulders and said stupid things like “ I don’t care.” “it’s just a game” . They were like Prep school kids going to fight the public school kids, thinking their heritage and wealth and better education counted for something but coming to realize the only thing that really mattered was who wanted to kick whose ass more and suddenly wishing they hadn’t skipped lacrosse practice for this. The public school kids just want to kick the shit out of someone – richer, smarter, and pampered ? even better. They operate under the rule whoever wins today – wins. They will live on bragging rights for years. They’ll show up at the next lacrosse game just to intimidate. Their priorities are different. The Saints priority was to win that game and they never lost focus for one second. The Pat’s priority? Not to be visibly intimidated by a spirited team? They may have achieved that through their despondent, passive reaction to every interception and incompletion, and there were many.
Monday night’s game reminded me why I like baseball. You can take players out of the game. I kept saying “take Moss out” “ take Brady out” but there is nobody comparable to put in. There are less players and more cockiness and complacency. The team spirit is different in football. It’s easy to imagine baseball players throwing back a couple of beers together or playing cards, smoking cigars. But football players just seem like a bunch of Me-Me’s. Me like this. Me want that.
What do I know? I’ve never had the pleasure of hanging out with a bunch of professional athletes.
Two more things.
One, Brady’s too confident. And I can’t even say he’s cocky about it because that would make him attractive to me. He’s passively confident. I despise anything passive in a man. Or a woman, for that matter. Unless its passive aggressive and it’s to my advantage, then it’s tolerable. Brady shows up and sits on his laurels. I’m not saying he’s not a talented player. He is. But there are a lot of talented players out there and if you put the majority of them on the Pats, they would shine. Look at Matt Cassel, incredible on the Patriots and now….It’s not just Brady’s talent, it’s the team he is surrounded with, his coach, his financial backing etc. It’s a culmination of many factors that make Brady a superstar athlete. He is not taking advantage of the situation he has landed in. He could be playing historical ball. I don’t know if he is still bent out of shape about the loss of the Superbowl or what, but he carries his baggage on the field. Who knows what goes on in that hottie head of his. Maybe he isn’t picking up Portuguese as quickly as he would like. I don’t know and I don’t want to hear about it. Especially with that effeminate voice of his. Belichick needs to bring him to an isolated location and talk some man into him. Brady needs to show up at a game with a beard or a black eye or both. And a friggin’ attitude, for Christ’s Sake.
Two, Monday night was not a complete bust for me. I have a new dream job. Football coach. Matt Leinart would be the coach’s pet. I can’t imagine how fun it would be to be in charge of 53 huge, aggressive men. Telling them what to do and ordering them around. Every practice I would be like “ ok shirts and skins again and then we go out for beers. Mandatory drinking with the coach, fellas, no pouting!” .
Thanks for listening!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

www.kendracunningham.com