"Delivery for Kendra"
I recently performed in the Montreal Comedy Festival. There are a lot of sex shops in Montreal. I had no idea it was such a horny city. I wish I had. I certainly would have packed differently.
My mother drove up with a friend to watch my shows. When she was leaving to head back to Boston she said “Next time I come to Montreal I want to check out those sex shops”
I said “Why didn’t you go while you were here?”
“I didn’t have enough time” she said.
How much time do you need in a sex shop, really? I’ve never been in a sex shop for more than 15 minutes. I don’t feel comfortable being around sex toys and strangers at the same time. Especially a room full of puzzling erotic wontons and overzealous porno buffs. 15 minutes or as soon as someone speaks. Whichever comes first. Once I hear “ Now where would I find……..” exit stage left. I’m out.
My mother says “ See ! You would have been rushing me!”
I guess the last thing you want to hear in a sex shop is “C’mon Maaa. Let’s go. I’m hungry. You have one like that at home. Mum, c’mon, it’s hot in here”.
I never saw a sex toy in real life until I received a half a dozen of them for my 30th birthday as gag gifts. I was like “ Ha funny. Now how do I use this thing?” Then I disappeared for two weeks.
There’s no replacement for sex. Unfortunately. I’ve been gorging myself for over a month now and I blame it on sexual frustration. Unintented celibacy makes me ravenous. I have consumed over 5 pounds of cold cuts this month. Ask my butcher. The last time I was there, I walked through the door and he said “ I don’t have any bologna or mortadella today”. The guys got deli meat profiling skills.
I said “Ok no problem. I’ll find something else, I’m sure ”
Underlying message: I’m not leaving yet Mr.- I’d –rather- sell -a –rump- roast- than –slice- two- pounds- of –a- bologna –variation- for- anybody –even-if you -do -wear -cleavage -shirts.
“Mm what’s this hot capicola all about?”
“It’s a lot like the spicy salami you got last week”
Ahh. So the cleavage shirts do work. You remember my week old order. I sucked in my belly as it occurred to me that being a butcher is a pretty good job. One where I could spontaneously stop by to check on my man if I felt the need.
“We did get an imported Goose Liverwurst in”
“Perfect. I haven’t had liverwurst in a while”
We both knew that was a lie.
Scarfing down home made spreads can make you feel something physically but it does nothing for lack of companionship. The other day I was preparing my first sandwich of the day, listening to old school funk. As I deliberated “ Should I add spicy salami to my liverwurst sandwich or roll it up with cheese as a side dish?” a sexy black guy voice comes through the speakers and croons “ Are you lonely?”
And I responded. It doesn’t matter what I said because the fact that I responded says it all.
Hipnotic went on to ask me over 25 times if I was lonely. He also asked if I needed someone to hold on to and if I wanted his mind, body and soul. He claimed he had been scoping me from a distance. Kinda cool.
I said things like “C’mon stop it! Let me finish my sandwich first” And “Hipnotic! You don’t mean that”. After a while it was clear he wasn’t listening to anything I said. Typical dude.
It was my biggest laugh of the day. Forcing a flirtatious exchange on my iPod with a mouthful of perfectly sliced imported Liverwurst. That butcher really is talented.
It’s no surprise Hipnotic hails from Canada. See what those sex shops will do to ya?
Are You Lonely? was released in 1983. It’s still a sexual taunt 28 years later.
Check it out
This guy owns my butcher shop - Los Paisanos on Smith Street in Brooklyn
Tony Calbretta - one of the funniest guys around
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.