Tuxedo shirts and tulips
It takes so long to get to know people. Lately I’ve been trying to script a few key questions that I consider deal breakers, in other words, qualifying questions I used to ask the typical “what’s your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I stop myself from blurting out “Do you snore? Do you need a mechanical device on your face to breathe at night? Does your dick work? Ok. Pick me up at 8. You’re paying! Don’t fuck this up!”
I try to have a few I can communicate with patience and curiosity. Ends up I have a lot of them but here are three that came up recently.
Do you ask questions during sex?
I don’t like that. Don’t ask me questions during sex. Odds are you’re not so inquisitive fully clothed, don’t get curious now. I don’t even want to hear a “does that feel good?”
If you are unsure if I’m having a good time, I’m not. I like to think my sexual behavior speaks for itself.
If you want to make a rhetorical statement – have at it but be careful, a “you’re so sexy” might result in ME asking questions. “What do you think is sexy about me?” and we both know you won’t have a quick answer for that. Most guys get stumped if you question their compliment, which infuriates me. Don’t be throwing have assed compliments around.
The thing is, being a stellar communicator, if you ask a question
I’ll assume you want an answer. Then I have to think. You don’t want me to think during sex believe me. Thinking might lead to the realization that I’m too tired for all this.
Plus I can’t hear the music if you’re gabbing away.
Victim of Love trumps sex talk everytime.
Do you like to talk about all the women you are attracted to?
I love this question. You know why I ask it? Because there are guys out there that truly believe they should be able to treat a woman like a man. Like a buddy. A drinking buddy usually. And when a woman responds to their barbaric behavior by acting like a woman, the guy throws out a “You’re being insecure” There is nothing worse than listening to a guy you are interested in talk about other women he finds attractive. It is moronic, insensitive, and totally fucking annoying.
I’ve gotten into wicked fights over this one. These types of guys will then say “you’re being insecure” which I have found really means “you’re being girly” or “you’re acting vulnerable” I guess my question should really be “do you have any degree of sensitivity for other people’s feelings?”
Do you turn tip money into origami?
I have been out on a lot of bad dates but I have yet to go out with an origami guy. As a bartender I see it. I see a couple laughing and talking and sometimes even making out while the guy sits there and makes one dollar bills into tulips or tuxedo shirts and then offers them to me as a tip. My payment. A satirized payment I might add. What am I supposed to do with these little prison yard arts and crafts numbers? Use them at Dunkin Donuts?
“That’ll be three dollars, please”
“Here’s two tuxedo shirts and a tulip. This is the currency I get paid in. Do you accept it here?”
The worst part is these guys are getting laid!
Making balloon giraffes out of condoms, I’m sure.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.