One of the most terrifying things someone can say to me is “Hey didn’t you used to go out with…………?” If I don’t recognize the name, for some reason I want to be able to claim dating rights. “Don Juan Castillo? Hmm I think I did. Is he very handsome and generous with his compliment? That Don Juan?” The worst is when you didn’t go out with him, but he sounds pretty fascinating “Didn’t I meet you at Marco’s party? Last New Year’s Eve in the British Virgin Islands? He had rented that boat…”
If I was in the British Virgin Islands last New Year’s Eve, you wouldn’t have to give me memory prompts, ok? I’d remember.
Knowing that this Marco character had taken up with a girl who looked like me, well, it’s fun to hear about.
Then someone else pipes in “No that was Carla, she moved to Italy”
And boom my hopeful daydream is now a jealousy fueled quest to learn bad things about CARLA.
“Wow, she moved to Italy? What’d she go on the lam or something?”
“I think she was doing a documentary or something”
“Good for her. I gotta go eat a pizza or something’
Where I come from a “good for her” is just another way of saying ‘I don’t know how to feel good about things that I am really jealous about so I’ll just say something trite and retreat to my inner world where I can compare myself to strangers with the voice of a maniacal drill sergeant-bye! Retreating now.”
I recently ran into someone who really did know one of my exes. She said “Oh you used to go out with *Arnie, you know he’s one of the top insurance salesman in the nation? You really missed the boat on that one.” In a perfect world, I would have grabbed her by her Casual Corner blouse, and said something like “You don’t know shit about me and what boats I’ve missed, for all you know I may be juggling a fucking squadron of international flotillas, jumping from one deck to the next whenever I fucking feel like it. And you know something about ARNIE? He was the cheapest mother fucker I ever dated, so Arnie buying a boat, paying for fuel, inviting people to enjoy the material things in life he acquired? You don’t know Arnie. Arnie once made me get up from a Thai restaurant because we had missed the lunch time specials by 5 minutes. I got up from my seat and left a restaurant so ARNIE could save two dollars on my chicken pad Thai order. So I’m pretty sure getting a ride on Arnie’s “boat” wouldn’t be the boat ride I want. I don’t want to have to paddle, or bring provisions, or listen to a man that cries and whines and gets involved with women so he can feel loved, not because he wants to love. So don’t talk to me about what boats I’ve missed, Miss I’ve- spent -my –whole- entire- life -in -corporate -America -so -I -don’t –grasp- the - personal -value –system-concept. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't miss a boat but I did dodge a bullet. Capisce?”
But you can't get away with that and keep your bartending job at the same time, so I just said
"oh yeah? Good for him”
All names have been changed to make the story funny.
At least that was the intention.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.