I have a friend who is online dating. No, it’s not me claiming it’s a friend, it is really a friend. I am the anti dater. I don’t like dating. The last thing I want to do with my free time is go meet a stranger with the mutual hope that we like each other on many levels. It’s the pressure cooker of one on one socializing.
Online dating sites should come with testimonials about the ramifications online dating can have on one’s self esteem. “Hey for $19.99 a month you can receive an abundance of emails from guys. These guys will not be relationship material today or any day in the future nor have they maintained any sort of personal relationship for more than 6 months but they WILL email you. They may or may not send you pictures of them in their underwear, some like to try their hand at poetry, others will simply try to woo the pants off you with statements like “Where you at?” So no, this site won’t make finding that special someone easier but it will make it easier for the mean, median and mode of all averages to find you”
I don’t know about you but my self esteem is fragile when it comes to the opposite sex. Three emails from ugly, unfunny guys and I am back to eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner in my 7 year old grease stained sweats wondering if Benicio del Toro is funny.
Anyway, this friend is going out on dates 3 to 5 times a week. Are you kidding me? That’s a bartending job. She claims it’s easy because you end up talking about the same things over and over again. The scenario just got worse. She said “what would you talk about on dates?” which stumped me. I guess I would probably talk about what time he had to get home and if he hates dating as much as me and does he like my new jeans. Those types of things. I really don’t even want to think about it. I used to be good at qualifying questions “how long is your longest relationship?” “what’s your relationship like with your mother?” now I’m down to “do you snore?” “do you need a mechanical device on your face to sleep at night?” “are you ok with being kept arms length away emotionally for 6 months to two years?”
So I don’t know exactly what I would talk about on dates but I do know what I wouldn’t say.
Top ten things Kendra won’t say on a date
1 It was really nice meeting your girlfriend the other night.
2 See that guy in the green shirt, I used to fool around with him. Or was it his brother?
3 I’m so excited, I got here an hour early
4 Crap! I got mac and cheese on my leather halter top.
5 No dessert, thanks. I’m full.
6 Next time we come here, I’m getting a salad
7 Let me get the check.
8 You want a bite of this?
9 Stop pawing at me!
10 Let’s wait until we get home to do it!
Send me pictures from the dating world!
I haven’t been in a while.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super
comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her
sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.