afraid of success?” I wish I was afraid of success. That would be a
normal fear. I’m afraid to wear a scarf. I wear a scarf and I feel like
I’m taunting the stranglers. I’m walking down the street trying to keep
warm thinking “I’m a walking crime scene, an accomplice in my own murder.
I put this scarf on, I went out in public, I knew there were people in the
world who like to strangle people, and I flaunted an opportunity right in
front of their face. Annnnnnnnnd I hear footsteps.” If you ever see me
wearing a scarf, odds are I’m also running, running from imaginary mean
I don’t think I’m afraid of success. Then again my ideas of success change
every year, sometimes every day. Today my idea of success was to have an
Ellen Barkin-like job where I got to say things like “you listen to me,
you son of a bitch……..” And make out with that son of a bitch 10 seconds
later. Yes, making out on the clock was included in today’s version of
success. So in that instance, no, I’m not afraid of success.
My biggest fear is feeling like I haven’t accomplished enough. I like to
accomplish things and I like to accomplish things as quickly as possible.
It’s hard for me to enjoy the process because I’m white knuckled, aggressively
focussed on finishing whatever it is. Even sex, I'm sexually competitive and looking to finish on top.
I have sex like I’m going for a KO in record breaking time. The last guy I was involved with sounded
like a coach in bed “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy below the belt. Remember what
we talked about, conserve energy.” I’m a haymaker. It’s not so much skill
as it is endurance and overenthusiasm. Anything just to tire the guy out.
He’s falling off the bed and I’m standing with my hand on my hip, swigging
on a water bottle, panting out the count down “10…9…8...”
It’s always hard to schedule a rematch but I don’t take it personally.
I just practice my 2013 motto
“Be a competitor. Even when you don’t have to be”
This is me getting horned up
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand-up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super
comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her
sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.