My family is big into Halloween. My mother still dresses up. Two years ago she came to New York for Halloween and me, my sister, and my mother all went out drinking, costumes and all. Grey Gardens is just around the bend.
This year my mother had a Halloween suggestion for me “Why don’t you dress up like a woman trying to meet a husband?”
I asked “What would I wear?”
“Exactly!” she responded.
My mother isn’t coming to New York this Halloween. I asked her what she was gonna do and she said “No plans but I’m dressing up. I’ll just go out and scare the shit outta the kids. I don’t care. I’m having fun”
Chasing the fun runs in the family. I went to a concert at Brooklyn Bowl with my recently single sister, we walked by some funky bar on our way out and my sister said “Look! There are cute guys in there. C’mon !”. About two sips into our beers she turned to me and said “These guys aren’t even gonna talk to us are they?” I paused. I didn’t feel good about squashing her optimistic, romanticized version of the single life. I didn’t want to tell her activity on the front line is sparse, inconsistent. I didn’t want to go on and on about how online dating, porn, and the bisexual nature of the younger generation are all in cahoots to squeeze us “Let’s go drinking and do it military style” types out. Rocky Balboa’s It Ain’t About How Hard You Hit speech came to mind but I knew starting my response with “The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. “ would be too transparent. So instead I said “They’re way too skinny anyway” then I unbuttoned my pants so I could breathe.
I’ve given up on guys. I’m sick of the whole bunch of them. I bought an Apple TV for the winter and I’m shutting it down for the next three months. As soon as I made that decision I had an old boyfriend, for lack of a better word, call me and say “I’m gonna be in New York can I stay at your place? I won’t try to have sex with you.” I said “C’mon! You know me better than that. I can’t have dick in the house and just let it be. I don’t have one. They’re interesting to me”
He said “seriously? You won’t let me stay there?”
“What do you think? I’m running a dick hostel? You and your dick can come and sleep on the floor in the corner and hope that you don’t get assaulted or robbed in the middle of the night? You think that’s what I do with my time now?”
I was finding the conversation increasingly amusing and started in on a giggle fit.
He thought I was stoned.
It’s a good day when people suspect your enjoyment of mundane events is induced my mind altering substances.
I heard through the grapevine he ended up staying at the W hotel.
Big swinging dick.
Thanks for listening
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.