My family pedigree includes inborn generalized (and personalized) suspicion. My mother can take the most mundane information and surmise misdirection. If I don’t return her calls in the time frame she sees suitable, I’ll get one of these:
Me:“Sorry I never got back to you last night, I went to bed early”
Her:“Are you sick?’
Me: “No, I’m fine. I just wanted to go to bed early.”
Her:“Oh. Have you been having trouble sleeping?”
Me:“Not at all”
Her “Well, if something is bothering you, you can talk to me about it.”
Me:“Nothing’s bothering me, I wanted to be lazy”
Her:“Is it that you never got married?”
Me:“Nooooo, there is no “IT”. I just didn’t feel like talking on the phone, OK, Serpico?”
Her:“Oh… so you DIDN’T go to bed early?”
Me: “Mom, c’mon”
Her: “What is this Sir Picko? I don’t think I like that. “
You can’t win. No matter what you say, it will not be taken at face value.
Carol Cunningham: Cross Examiner Extraordinaire
I’ve definitely inherited this leery makeup. Especially with men. I don’t trust them. Particularly the ones who have sex with me. The minute a guy has sex with me he becomes the prime suspect in an undefined investigation pioneered by moi’. I should really just be direct and administer a post coital statement:
“You are officially under investigation. I am about to make it my mission to collect enough evidence to prove that you are not only a liar and a cheat but an all around son of a bitch. I’m on the case. Now you may be a nice guy, maybe, but I’ll comprise a case that’ll make your mother question your character. Every conversation will be an interrogation whether it feels like one or not. Consider yourself under surveillance and act accordingly. This in no way means I don’t want to continue seeing you but it does mean I’ve got my eye on you, buddy, and, make no mistake, this is gonna be a battle every step of the way. C’mere and cuddle with me. C’mere you! You’re so cute. Look at you.”
See how I play good cop, bad cop?
You gotta keep ‘em guessing.
One day it’s a bed a roses the next day it’s a shakedown.
My special boyfriend chair:
My crazy ex!
If you see this guy- let me know
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.