Beer geeks take themselves too seriously. How can you act snooty talking about something that appears on a Things We Need to Open Our Bowling Alley list? Don’t get me wrong, I love beer. I do. All kinds of beer. But I’m not interested in participating in a debate about whether the hint of grapefruit is stronger than coriander. Or if the malt outweighs the hops. Some of these beer geeks want a complete ingredients vs. brewing process analysis before handing over their measly six bucks. Who gives a crap? If it tastes good, drink it. Let’s be honest here, as much as I like the taste of beer, I drink it to get drunk. If beer didn’t get me drunk, I wouldn’t keep drinking it for the TASTE, I’d be drinking something else. Like Jagermeister.
Beer geeks are another microcosm of drinkers who want to one up the bartender. With flare. They are the bad boys of the theater department. Ordering a beer is high stakes, overly revealing, and verbose. Getting a one beer order out of these guys turns into a one act play, complete with conflict, exposition, and a dramatic monologue.
INTERIOR BAR – BROOKLYN,NY
Beer Geek: “Hi wow, great beer list. I just started brewing at home. Reallllly into beer and the process, you know what the ingredients are and all that. Now maybe you can recommend something, I want a beer that is darker in color but light in taste.”
Bartender: “Hmm. Ahh let’s see”
Beer Geek: “Something that wakes me up and puts me to bed at the same time. Something sweet but sour, light but heavy, a complete enigma of a beer. Something that no man has yet to create. Do you have that here?”
Bartender: “Well, I could give you a taste of something”
Beer Geek: “But will it quench my desire to be the most interesting beer drinker around? Will it make me forget how easily I was overlooked and unnoticed by all the Fraternities in college when I really needed to be accepted? Will it give me the intellectual and ethically fuelled halo I crave and by golly, deserve? Will it, my fair lady?”
Bartender: “Well, no, probably not..”
Beer Geek: “No? No? Nooooooooooo? Oh I knew it. I just knew it. What I want does not exist. It is not to be found here in this beer selling place, nor is it to be found near or afar. Pardon me as my eyes tear up and my voice cracks but when a man is faced with his truth, he cannot be accountable for his visible emotional reaction. Look away! Look away so as to not bear witness. ”
You may have noticed there is no beer order placed in that exchange. I was unwittingly cast as the supporting character and didn’t even make a buck.
My other thing with beer geeks, not good flirters. Flirting at work is one of the biggest fringe benefits of bartending. Take that away and all we are left with is an open bar. Open bar sans flirting = heady buzztime. Nobody wants to get buzzed and ruminate. Work with us here.
Place a beer order in 3 minutes or less and compliment the bartender’s choice in clothing.
A random compliment has the power to ignite a crush.
You can practice on me.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.