I talk to my mother so much, there is absolutely nothing to catch up on. There is no catching up. None.
I already know everything. I know what she had for dinner, what she wished she had for dinner, who she ate with and what they had even though they usually get chicken, the waiters name, appearance, and life story, a small discrepancy with the bill, whether or not she would go back and how it could have been better.
She doesn’t see it the same way. It doesn’t matter to her whether there is something new to talk about. She is more than happy to repeat conversations, rehash details, or question your take on a situation, just as long as she gets to talk on the phone. Her latest thing is texting. Texting regarding phone calls- “are you up? Call me” or “if you can call me –call me” and the most common: “ did you just call me?”
Once you get on the phone, heavan forbid you forget anything my mother tells you. She can go from conversational to aggressively incensed in seconds.
Me: “So how was last night?”
Mom: ( relaxed and normal) “We had some laughs. We were home early. I mean, we just went for a nibble at that place Maria’s. Nothing too fancy”
Me:”Oh is that the place on the water?
Mom: ( aggressively incensed) “ NO! You don’t remember me telling you about MARIA’s? It’s right up the street. I told you about it. It’s delicious and its close and the people are always nice. That’s where Dan the waiter works. He writes the plays. Remember I told you about Dan? Do you? Do you remember?”
Me:”Yes! I remember. Dan the playwright. You went to one and said you weren’t impressed.”
Mom: (moderately defensive) “ Well, yes but I also said a lot of nice things about him too sooo.. ”
Sometimes I feel like, I know more about the people who wait on my mother than I do about my own cousins.
Turns out my mother’s “nibble” consisted of a prime rib and mashed potatoes at early bird prices.
She ate it in really small morsels though.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.