There is no predicting what will piss someone in my family off. We could have a guest over who drinks all our booze, breaks a cherished goblet, tells everyone to go fuck themselves and we’ll all be fighting for the honor of getting them home safe. Not only that, we’ll call them the next day to make sure they are alright, even offer to bring them a bacon, egg, and cheese and an iced coffee, take them out for a walk. If you hurt us, we will help you.
Uncle Buck would have fit right in.
It’s usually the humdrum actions of everyday life that will elicit a whimsical tantrum from a family member. Last night someone called my sister but didn’t leave a voicemail. That measly action triggered an episode:
Her: “ Look, no voicemail. Can you believe that? She calls me up, I don’t answer so she won’t leave a message? That shit pisses me off. Because.. you want to know what? She knows that drives me crazy. She knows that about me. That if someone calls and doesn’t leave a voicemail, it’ll drive me batty. Jesus. That’s the fun- the voicemail. Why deprive me of the fun? When I saw my phone ringing, I was looking forward to the voicemail but nope! Unreal. Don’t call me if you’re not gonna leave a message. Don’t call me at all. “
Me: playing with my food “well….”
Her: “Well nothing. Now I gotta go call her back. It just drives me crazy, you know?”
Me: “Yeah. I know.”
Her: “ Oh boy, look at this. Now SHE won’t pick ME up. I can’t take it. Well, guess what? I’m not leaving a message.”
Me: “ No don’t. You shouldn’t”
Her: “ I’m exhausted. That’s the type of crap that wipes me out.”
Me: “I hear ya”
I played DJ for a bit to get her mind off it, loud enough so we could still hear the phone.
She never called back.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.