I’m in an audible sigh phase. I think it’s a passive aggressive way to spread my frustration and vexations to the general public. Whenever I let out an audible sigh in public there is always at least one person who jumps a little and turns to look to see if the sigh was an indication of an impending attack. What attacker would let out a weary grunt before attacking? Whenever people turn and look I want to say “ Just testing you. Be careful of the fed up muggers! They often let out a big “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I don’t feel like attacking another person on the street but this is what I do.” noise before they pounce!”
I used to pull the audible sigh thing on a daily basis when I worked on a trade desk. Back then it was accompanied with a lot of face rubbing and it was more of a lamentation which ended with a swear word like “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck”. I hated that job.
The other day someone walking by me on the street commented on my sigh, one of those people who will walk almost right next to you, enough so that other people might think you’re walking together. I hate that. I let out a nice big sigh, pretty loud and the guy says “ that bad huh?”
Now it looks like we’re walking and talking together. I don’t even know this guy
I wanted to grab him by the collar and say with clenched teeth “yeah it is that bad mutha fucker. It is really really fucking bad so what you gonna do about it, sidler ? “
But I didn’t . I just said “ No not really. I’m just being a baby” and I smiled. I’m such a phony. He went home thinking we had a pleasant interaction. Maybe he had even brightened my day. I went home wondering if I’ll ever have the balls to grab someone by the collar.
My mother called me out on my sighing the other day.
Mom:” what are you sighing for?”
Me:” oh I don’t know. It feels good”
Mom:” it’s feels good to sigh like that? Really? It doesn’t sound like an expression of enjoyment. It sounds like a cry for help.”
Me:” well it’s not”
Mom:” Well it should be. That is exactly what you should use it for. Do it again. You should really hear yourself. Do it again and listen”
Me:” I can’t sigh on que Ma. It’s got to be natural”
Mom:” AHHHHH. That’s what you sound like. You see what I’m saying? I hope you don’t do that in public. It’s scary is what it is. You could do that on Halloween and you wouldn’t need a costume. I’m just kidding you. Hello? Can you hear me?“
If you stay quiet on the phone with my mother for a few minutes you can hear her go off about how much she hates cell phones
Mom: ( continued) “ Kendra ? Oh for Christ’s sake. This piece of junk. Hello? No she’s gone. The call dropped. Just like that “
Me:” Hi Mom I can hear you now”
Mom:” Unreal. This phone………..”
And just like that, the sighing is forgotten.
Kendra Cunningham, manipulating conversation topics through trickery and deception.
Watch and learn people!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.