I’m not good at finding things. I am a horrible looker. If something is not in plain sight: I can’t find it and if I can’t find it, “someone took it”.
This ‘SOMEONE TOOK IT’ conclusion has worn off on my sister. Last week she asked me ( accusingly) if I had her high falutin’ designer name sunglasses.
HER: “Did you take my Ray – Bans?”
ME: “No. I have my own sunglasses”
HER:”Well maybe my Ray-Bans are in one of your half a dozen sunglass cases piled up on the counter? Can you look? And not like you usually look.”
Days later I received this text. You’ll notice a big change in tone and an attempt to butter me up by mixing a compliment in – my pile is now referred to as “organized pile”. I did clean up my area.
HER: ”Can you please look through your organized pile of stuff and see if my Ray-Bans are there? Maybe in that red beach bag you brought to Montauk? They are prescription and expensive and my favorites. ”
ME: ”I can’t find them. Did you get my email? Did you take a brand new tube of toothpaste from the bathroom? I just bought a new tube when I went to Montauk and it’s gone.”
HER: ” I already emailed you about your stinking toothpaste . I didn’t take. I never saw your fancy new tube. Why would I take? Please do more than scan and eyeball your stuff. These sunglasses are important to me”
ME:”I didn’t get the email. I did a great job looking . You should have seen me. I had a photo of you in your Ray- Bans like a missing person search. Still couldn’t find. Maybe we look for a Ray-Ban wearing toothpaste thief.”
I bought more toothpaste.
I did unintentionally find my favorite pair of sweatpants . They were missing for almost two years. I thought about them every now and then and silently blamed the laundry ladies for putting them in someone else’s bag. Then, they just reappeared in a pile of stuff. To celebrate, I wore them for a good five days in a row. I told people about them and how I thought they were gone forever. They are nothing to look at but I love those sweat pants. If they were a guy I would make it out with them. Even if it was against their will.
Brute Force- my favorite aphrodisiac.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.