I got an email from the producer of the movie asking if I had any thoughts for my character for the movie or suggestions for the script. I wrote back “ I think it would be a good choice to have her sleep with a famous Brazilian soccer player. Do you know any? Or at least have her at a party with the Brazilian soccer team or a well known Brazilian gazillionaire. Do you know any well known rich guys I can do a scene with? A cameo might be fun”
I want to meet some people over there. Not just the locals. Every time I go to a different country I’m always like “ I want to meet the locals. I want to see what the common folk are like” . Not this time. I want to meet some heavy hitters. Filthy rich guys. Guys that, if they were American, I would think they were douchebags but because they’re Brazilian and have accents and look different, they are just rich foreign guys.With sex appeal, I hope.
I have never been more ready to sell out to a rich guy in all my life. The sad thing is he wouldn’t have to be that rich. Just wicked generous and committed to making my life as pampered and coddled as possible. All I ask is he have a sense of humor. That’s it. Rich, selfless, and funny. We don’t even have to get married. Or live together. In fact I would prefer if he lived somewhere else. People do it all the time. I want that. How the fuck do you stumble upon situations like that? Someone needs to do a documentary on kept women. It’s a secret society. I want to be in the society. I want in on the secret. I’m good at keeping secrets. I’m even better at keeping secrets that involve me. So let me in.
I’m telling you right now, if some rich Brazilian guy wants a big breasted American blonde for a wife, I’ll get married in a month. I could give a shit. Just tell me where and when. Oh and I’d need to see a negative AIDS test. Recent. I’d be very playful about the whole “we’re getting married after knowing each other for three weeks” thing. Biggie did it. But after? I’m laid back but I know if I got married I’d be a pain in the ass. I don’t trust guys. Who does? Guys don’t even trust guys. Once I got married I’d say “listen I want you arms length away from me at all times. You got it? Comprende? If I want to put my hand on your ass at any point in time, I should be able to do that. And vice versa, if I say “honey put your hand on my ass” you should be close enough that you can fulfill that demand immediately. Are we clear? Uh uh uh That is a question not a conversation starter. Are we clear? Good. I love you Carlito. Sorry! Carlos. What? I said I’m sorry. Where are you going? Put your hand on my ass. Carlos ? My ass has no hand on it.”
I heard Brazilians are big ass grabbers. I hope it’s true. There is nothing as fun and exciting as an unexpected ass grab. I’m gonna do it and say I heard it was a cultural thing. Fuck it.
What are they gonna do?
Kick me out of the country for ass grabbing?
My husband will have to wear these:
Thanks for listening
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.